If you want to destroy my sweater....

So its Monday night and I'm spent. This past weekend I spent roughing it here at cbu going through isp training. I enjoyed the weekend but it was very tiring. But as i look back at it it makes me truly thankful to have the people that i do on my team along with my co-leader. Our team is very unique and different in our own ways but our heart for people is the same and our attitude to serve creates a special dynamic which warms my heart. And at times, even though i am one of their leaders i feel that some of them should be leading me. They each have so much to offer and so much to teach me which is neat. And the crazy part is that they probably don't even realize it. But all in all I'm excited to go to Utah this upcoming spring break with all of them. After this weekend my excitement to go to Utah has doubled. I'm excited to meet new people and I'm also excited to put myself out there and be bold for Christ. Its something that i have been learning a lot about lately. I should not be ashamed of the Gospel or afraid to share it but when it comes down to it I'm afraid to. I let the fact of how people react to me get in the way of actually verbally sharing the Gospel to those that i come in contact with who need to hear it. I'm afraid they wont think I'm cool or wont want to be my friend which is not a valid reason to not share the one thing that they need the most. So as i begin to examine my motives to not share the Gospel and realize that I'm in the wrong it makes me excited to just go and share it with the people of Utah. Some may reject me and some may not be happy with me but it doesn't matter. I'm commanded to share so that's what ill do and ill do my best to not let myself get in the way. I should never be ashamed of the Gospel and from now on i will make the conscious effort to never let it happen again. Cause i know my actions and my motives behind what i do and I'm tired of saying the right things, i want to start doing the right things and apply Truth to my actions!

Rocket Man....

So all of my friends that have blog sites like to post pictures so here is me attempting to be like them. This is a pic of me and one of my closest friends, Ronald Wayne McGee Jr. So heres to you Big Ron! May the memories from the big bang last forever along with the many sleepless nights at cbu while making prank phone calls along with playing tetris til the wee hours in the morning! Holla Back!

The change has to first start in me....

Right now for some reason I feel overwhelmed with different emotions. Today church was really good and I feel more and more that Sandals is the place the Lord wants me to be. Then tonight I met with my accountability group and we just talked life and Jesus for 2 hours and it felt really good. It was extremely challenging but yet very refreshing at the same time. I feel that the Lord is doing big things here at CBU in the lives of the people here on campus as well as in myself. A desire to share Christ with people is starting to burn deep into my soul it feels. Yet the sin that so easily entangles me keeps trying to hold me back. But I wont let simple stupid mistakes hold me back. My prayer right now though is that I would learn what it is to truly be BOLD for Jesus Christ. To learn what it is to live a life where I stop worrying about what man will think but will boldly proclaim the Gospel to those who need to hear it. I have spent the last 25 years of my life afraid to share with others about what I believe and the time has come to change that. Sure, I could go overseas for a month and flip the light switch on and share without fear but I want it to be more than that. I want it to be a life style, not just a mission trip. If I cant share Jesus Christ here, to CBU, to the community of Riverside, how in the heck will I be able to share there(wherever there may be)? The only way to make a change in the world for the sake of Christ is to first make the change with in my own life. So with the help of my brothers in Christ I will attempt to live a bold life style for the Author and Creator of life. So help me Lord to equip myself with the tools that I need for this journey. Give me the words and the eyes and heart to see others as You do.

A letter edged in black....

Well its been a long day and as the night finally comes to an end I find myself at my computer listening to a little Johnny cash, inspired to write some of my scattered thoughts down so here goes nothing! Have you ever been really good at something but yet people tell you that "its just not for you"? In different ways that has been me this past year. For some reason the LORD used Target and the people I worked with to change my life in a radical way. When it came to the ways of Target and the vision they have and the direction they are going hit me really hard for some reason. Within in that I was growing in ways I never thought possible and began to pick up on everything very easily. Target invested into me and I become good at what I was doing but yet all of my friends kept telling me that Target wasn't for me. Its weird how I found something that I was great at but yet every was sayin "NO". My friends tell me that though out of love and know that my heart is passionate about a great deal of things more than Target could offer so in no way am I hating on them. Its just weird how it all worked out I guess. But I am thankful for where I am at but yet my heart still misses those at store 248. When it comes down to it I guess its the people that changed my life forever, not necessarily Target. Now im here at CBU again and I hope I can make as much of an impact on the students and faculty here just as much as those who impacted my life at Target. Every thing definitely happens for a reason and nothing is by mistake. My hope and prayer for this school year is that my actions would scream out Jesus Christ to people. That I would reach outside of my comfort zone and do what is right. To go sit and talk life with people in the caf other than my comfortable group of friends. To extend a helping hand to those who are hurting around me in the community I live in. I pray that the love of Christ would flood this campus and wash over all who encounter all who step foot on this campus. I hope to reach the weak in spirit, the "outcast" of our "Christian"society, to love the condemned and help model the grace that was given to us through the Cross! "Its your kindness Lord that leads us to repentance"! I pray that our critical hearts and minds would overshadow the grace that You have given us and that we would mimic that grace to others that You have so graciously given to us. To love in word is simply not enough, I pray that we would love in action through conversations about life and through actions that no one else may recognize but You Lord. May I seek You and study the life you lived here on earth and put into practice the things that You have revealed to me. Help me to love the lame, weak, poor and less fortunate Father. Its only through You that any of this is possible. Ill patiently wait to exercise these thoughts and feelings....

Scattered thoughts

Well im back at school once again except this time im not a student which is great! But its been a rough transition. This summer was a great summer but at the same time was a very draining and challenging summer. I didn't really have time to process what happened up at camp and transition into my new job here at cbu. I moved down on a Saturday and hit the ground running that Monday. So its been difficult so to speak trying to get back up on my feet from the demanding summer. But GOD is bigger than my minute problems and HIS power is perfected in my time of weakness which is good to know cause I always feel that I am weak. When it comes to Pine Summit and even here at CBU, people look up to me and turn to me in times of ambiguity and chaos which doesn't bother me at all but does end up taking its toll on me. Its hard to be strong for everyone and on top of that try to maintain my chaotic life. When it comes to my friends and family there always seems to be something going on which throws me for a loop but yet im still in a position to fight those thoughts and try to lead a group of people towards a common goal. Which sometimes is easy and at other times is very draining. Then fighting the good fight becomes a tougher battle for me to fight. Part of me just wants to be young and careless with my life and not worry about being responsible but that's just me wanting to take the easy way out of things. But those thoughts do cross my mind. The constant mental battle that goes through my head is something that most people don't really get to see. One cause I don't really allow people to see it and two, most people think that things are going great for me. Which most of the time things are going good. Even though life gets hard at times I am still very thankful for what I have and I know that there are plenty who are going through harder times than myself. But sometimes life does suck, and that's ok. And from a human side of things, my life has sucked for most of my life. But like I said before, GOD is bigger than my "crappy" life. I am blessed beyond belief and sometimes I tend to forget that. Its so easy to focus on the negative things in life to where they start to over shadow the many blessings that the Lord pours out on us each and everyday.... So ill continue on in this thing we call life and see where it leads me. And as I go through these different seasons of my prayer is that I may be consistent in one thing and that's dwelling on the things of the LORD.

It takes one to know me....

I sit in my empty apartment tonight with so many thoughts and emotions going through my mind. Some good... Some bad... A big part of me is excited for the future but another part is nervous to see what the future holds. My time is coming close to an end out here in Whittier. Whether or not ill come back only the Lord knows. A big part of me is sad to leave. I haven't made many friends out here but the ones I have I will truly miss. Even if most of our hangout time was in red and khaki. But with the sadness comes happiness from where im about to be. Its always a pleasant feeling to reunite with old friends. Yet I still sit in my apartment tonight with an uneasy feeling. im not too sure why either. Maybe its because I don't know what tomorrow will hold for me. Tomorrow is suppose to be my last day at work but a big part of me thinks that something is going to get screwed up with my departure from the red and khaki army. That may not be the case but that's what my gut tells me right now. Then I have an interview with my old school for a resident director job. Part of me is really excited for that but then at the same time I feel like I have already lost that fight. But hopefully I can change peoples minds about me and let them see that my life has changed a lot since I was last in school. Hopefully bias thoughts and feelings wont get in the way of things. All in all I know the Lord will help me get to where I need to be. I wont put my faith in man and his decision but rather in the Lord and His ultimate plan. So as my life continues to change with the seasons of life, ill try not to ask why but rather be active for Him no matter where im at. Ill take my passions that dwell deep within inside of me and put them into action and change the world one by one with the help of Him. im not going to be one of those people anymore that piss away passions but rather put them to good use. Within all those passions I pray that I can learn to passionately pursue Him in away that I have never have before. In a way that would leave others in astonishment but in a good way. Its only by His grace do I have the opportunity live such a life so I will do my best to not take that grace for grant it.

Transparent thoughts....

We try and try and try but yet still come up short. Effort is made to only be shot down. Effort is made by others and is accepted and plans are made. Will time one day be in my favor? Perhaps it is right now but I just don't realize it. Maybe one day ill be at the top of the totem pole... Probably not though. Perhaps the words that come out of my mouth fall on deaf ears or skeptical hearts... Perhaps the lyrics of my heart don't reach out and grab you like I wish they would... Fear has become my own worst enemy and perhaps yours too... But as time goes on ill continue to pursue my dreams and see where the Lord directs my path. Selfishly I want to take control but its obvious that He wont and isn't going to let that happen. We see the world totally differently but yet so similar. Simple thoughts plague my mind but faded dreams burden my heart. One day my words and thoughts will click in your head and realization will kick in on what I have been trying to say all along. But until then ill continue to work on my character as a man and my integrity as a leader. Im sure ill still come up short in each area only to hopefully overcome my mistakes and let them stay in the past. So until then...