where did i go wrong.....

This picture right here kind of describes how i feel right now. As of lately i have been real busy with coaching and with G.A. stuff and R.A. interviews and what not along with trying to get ready to lead and ISP to Utah. Now as these past three weeks come to an end life is starting to hit me. Things that i haven't wanted to deal with because i have been so busy are starting to plague my thoughts. And now with the fact of trying to find another job or should i say sending out my resumes to people, my heart is starting to way heavy with life's choices and questions. Part of me just wants to leave and go far away and start a new life but the other part of me is afraid to. The scared part just wants to stay here because i already have a good base of friends and i wouldn't have to invest so much time and energy into getting to know new people. My heart is torn. Too many choices, too many questions, too many unknowns that scare me. Part of me just wants to make certain choices and run with them but it seems that I'm waiting for others to make choices before i make mine. I don't know. So many things to say but I'm just too afraid to say them. Maybe one day ill get the courage to take a chance on things but by the time that happens my chance may be gone but if that's the way it has to go then so be it i guess. And the story goes on....

Give it up one time for Coach James....

So its about that time again. Its been about 8 years now but high school boys volleyball is once again a big part of my life. This time though I'm on the other side. The Man With Wings is now a Jr. Varsity boys volleyball coach for Corona High School! And I must say, I'm pretty excited to see how the season goes. The guys that I coach are great. It makes me laugh because i use to act like a lot of them when i was their age which is kind of scary. Its neat though to see how far I've come. But just the opportunity to invest into young guys and to impart the volleyball knowledge that i have learned throughout my years is exciting to me. Whats funny though is that i think my mom is a bit more excited than me about this whole coaching job. She is so happy for me which i think is great. But life as a coach is so much different than as a player. The things i took for grant it as a player from my coaches are now things and respect even that much more about them. We have our first scrimmage this upcoming Monday and then our first game on that following Wednesday. And whats cool about that is that i get to coach my j.v. team along with the varsity team because the varsity head coach will be out of town. So hopefully Coach James can pull out a victory in his first two big matches! If not though its all good. My main objective is to not just win but to help the guys to have fun and to learn the game of volleyball. Its more important to me for them to experience those two things than rather to just win. But I imagine as they start to pick up the things that i am teaching them that it might lead to some victories which will be neat. But only time will tell. All i know is that being a coach is a lot of long hours and a lot of soar shoulders, well at least for a volleyball coach. I have taken a swing more at a ball these past two weeks than i think i have my whole volleyball career! But its all good, hopefully it will help me to get back into shape. So look out Inland Empire, the Cowboy Kevin Donavan and Big Game James are taken over!

If you want to destroy my sweater....

So its Monday night and I'm spent. This past weekend I spent roughing it here at cbu going through isp training. I enjoyed the weekend but it was very tiring. But as i look back at it it makes me truly thankful to have the people that i do on my team along with my co-leader. Our team is very unique and different in our own ways but our heart for people is the same and our attitude to serve creates a special dynamic which warms my heart. And at times, even though i am one of their leaders i feel that some of them should be leading me. They each have so much to offer and so much to teach me which is neat. And the crazy part is that they probably don't even realize it. But all in all I'm excited to go to Utah this upcoming spring break with all of them. After this weekend my excitement to go to Utah has doubled. I'm excited to meet new people and I'm also excited to put myself out there and be bold for Christ. Its something that i have been learning a lot about lately. I should not be ashamed of the Gospel or afraid to share it but when it comes down to it I'm afraid to. I let the fact of how people react to me get in the way of actually verbally sharing the Gospel to those that i come in contact with who need to hear it. I'm afraid they wont think I'm cool or wont want to be my friend which is not a valid reason to not share the one thing that they need the most. So as i begin to examine my motives to not share the Gospel and realize that I'm in the wrong it makes me excited to just go and share it with the people of Utah. Some may reject me and some may not be happy with me but it doesn't matter. I'm commanded to share so that's what ill do and ill do my best to not let myself get in the way. I should never be ashamed of the Gospel and from now on i will make the conscious effort to never let it happen again. Cause i know my actions and my motives behind what i do and I'm tired of saying the right things, i want to start doing the right things and apply Truth to my actions!

Rocket Man....

So all of my friends that have blog sites like to post pictures so here is me attempting to be like them. This is a pic of me and one of my closest friends, Ronald Wayne McGee Jr. So heres to you Big Ron! May the memories from the big bang last forever along with the many sleepless nights at cbu while making prank phone calls along with playing tetris til the wee hours in the morning! Holla Back!

The change has to first start in me....

Right now for some reason I feel overwhelmed with different emotions. Today church was really good and I feel more and more that Sandals is the place the Lord wants me to be. Then tonight I met with my accountability group and we just talked life and Jesus for 2 hours and it felt really good. It was extremely challenging but yet very refreshing at the same time. I feel that the Lord is doing big things here at CBU in the lives of the people here on campus as well as in myself. A desire to share Christ with people is starting to burn deep into my soul it feels. Yet the sin that so easily entangles me keeps trying to hold me back. But I wont let simple stupid mistakes hold me back. My prayer right now though is that I would learn what it is to truly be BOLD for Jesus Christ. To learn what it is to live a life where I stop worrying about what man will think but will boldly proclaim the Gospel to those who need to hear it. I have spent the last 25 years of my life afraid to share with others about what I believe and the time has come to change that. Sure, I could go overseas for a month and flip the light switch on and share without fear but I want it to be more than that. I want it to be a life style, not just a mission trip. If I cant share Jesus Christ here, to CBU, to the community of Riverside, how in the heck will I be able to share there(wherever there may be)? The only way to make a change in the world for the sake of Christ is to first make the change with in my own life. So with the help of my brothers in Christ I will attempt to live a bold life style for the Author and Creator of life. So help me Lord to equip myself with the tools that I need for this journey. Give me the words and the eyes and heart to see others as You do.

A letter edged in black....

Well its been a long day and as the night finally comes to an end I find myself at my computer listening to a little Johnny cash, inspired to write some of my scattered thoughts down so here goes nothing! Have you ever been really good at something but yet people tell you that "its just not for you"? In different ways that has been me this past year. For some reason the LORD used Target and the people I worked with to change my life in a radical way. When it came to the ways of Target and the vision they have and the direction they are going hit me really hard for some reason. Within in that I was growing in ways I never thought possible and began to pick up on everything very easily. Target invested into me and I become good at what I was doing but yet all of my friends kept telling me that Target wasn't for me. Its weird how I found something that I was great at but yet every was sayin "NO". My friends tell me that though out of love and know that my heart is passionate about a great deal of things more than Target could offer so in no way am I hating on them. Its just weird how it all worked out I guess. But I am thankful for where I am at but yet my heart still misses those at store 248. When it comes down to it I guess its the people that changed my life forever, not necessarily Target. Now im here at CBU again and I hope I can make as much of an impact on the students and faculty here just as much as those who impacted my life at Target. Every thing definitely happens for a reason and nothing is by mistake. My hope and prayer for this school year is that my actions would scream out Jesus Christ to people. That I would reach outside of my comfort zone and do what is right. To go sit and talk life with people in the caf other than my comfortable group of friends. To extend a helping hand to those who are hurting around me in the community I live in. I pray that the love of Christ would flood this campus and wash over all who encounter all who step foot on this campus. I hope to reach the weak in spirit, the "outcast" of our "Christian"society, to love the condemned and help model the grace that was given to us through the Cross! "Its your kindness Lord that leads us to repentance"! I pray that our critical hearts and minds would overshadow the grace that You have given us and that we would mimic that grace to others that You have so graciously given to us. To love in word is simply not enough, I pray that we would love in action through conversations about life and through actions that no one else may recognize but You Lord. May I seek You and study the life you lived here on earth and put into practice the things that You have revealed to me. Help me to love the lame, weak, poor and less fortunate Father. Its only through You that any of this is possible. Ill patiently wait to exercise these thoughts and feelings....

Scattered thoughts

Well im back at school once again except this time im not a student which is great! But its been a rough transition. This summer was a great summer but at the same time was a very draining and challenging summer. I didn't really have time to process what happened up at camp and transition into my new job here at cbu. I moved down on a Saturday and hit the ground running that Monday. So its been difficult so to speak trying to get back up on my feet from the demanding summer. But GOD is bigger than my minute problems and HIS power is perfected in my time of weakness which is good to know cause I always feel that I am weak. When it comes to Pine Summit and even here at CBU, people look up to me and turn to me in times of ambiguity and chaos which doesn't bother me at all but does end up taking its toll on me. Its hard to be strong for everyone and on top of that try to maintain my chaotic life. When it comes to my friends and family there always seems to be something going on which throws me for a loop but yet im still in a position to fight those thoughts and try to lead a group of people towards a common goal. Which sometimes is easy and at other times is very draining. Then fighting the good fight becomes a tougher battle for me to fight. Part of me just wants to be young and careless with my life and not worry about being responsible but that's just me wanting to take the easy way out of things. But those thoughts do cross my mind. The constant mental battle that goes through my head is something that most people don't really get to see. One cause I don't really allow people to see it and two, most people think that things are going great for me. Which most of the time things are going good. Even though life gets hard at times I am still very thankful for what I have and I know that there are plenty who are going through harder times than myself. But sometimes life does suck, and that's ok. And from a human side of things, my life has sucked for most of my life. But like I said before, GOD is bigger than my "crappy" life. I am blessed beyond belief and sometimes I tend to forget that. Its so easy to focus on the negative things in life to where they start to over shadow the many blessings that the Lord pours out on us each and everyday.... So ill continue on in this thing we call life and see where it leads me. And as I go through these different seasons of my prayer is that I may be consistent in one thing and that's dwelling on the things of the LORD.