The change has to first start in me....

Right now for some reason I feel overwhelmed with different emotions. Today church was really good and I feel more and more that Sandals is the place the Lord wants me to be. Then tonight I met with my accountability group and we just talked life and Jesus for 2 hours and it felt really good. It was extremely challenging but yet very refreshing at the same time. I feel that the Lord is doing big things here at CBU in the lives of the people here on campus as well as in myself. A desire to share Christ with people is starting to burn deep into my soul it feels. Yet the sin that so easily entangles me keeps trying to hold me back. But I wont let simple stupid mistakes hold me back. My prayer right now though is that I would learn what it is to truly be BOLD for Jesus Christ. To learn what it is to live a life where I stop worrying about what man will think but will boldly proclaim the Gospel to those who need to hear it. I have spent the last 25 years of my life afraid to share with others about what I believe and the time has come to change that. Sure, I could go overseas for a month and flip the light switch on and share without fear but I want it to be more than that. I want it to be a life style, not just a mission trip. If I cant share Jesus Christ here, to CBU, to the community of Riverside, how in the heck will I be able to share there(wherever there may be)? The only way to make a change in the world for the sake of Christ is to first make the change with in my own life. So with the help of my brothers in Christ I will attempt to live a bold life style for the Author and Creator of life. So help me Lord to equip myself with the tools that I need for this journey. Give me the words and the eyes and heart to see others as You do.

A letter edged in black....

Well its been a long day and as the night finally comes to an end I find myself at my computer listening to a little Johnny cash, inspired to write some of my scattered thoughts down so here goes nothing! Have you ever been really good at something but yet people tell you that "its just not for you"? In different ways that has been me this past year. For some reason the LORD used Target and the people I worked with to change my life in a radical way. When it came to the ways of Target and the vision they have and the direction they are going hit me really hard for some reason. Within in that I was growing in ways I never thought possible and began to pick up on everything very easily. Target invested into me and I become good at what I was doing but yet all of my friends kept telling me that Target wasn't for me. Its weird how I found something that I was great at but yet every was sayin "NO". My friends tell me that though out of love and know that my heart is passionate about a great deal of things more than Target could offer so in no way am I hating on them. Its just weird how it all worked out I guess. But I am thankful for where I am at but yet my heart still misses those at store 248. When it comes down to it I guess its the people that changed my life forever, not necessarily Target. Now im here at CBU again and I hope I can make as much of an impact on the students and faculty here just as much as those who impacted my life at Target. Every thing definitely happens for a reason and nothing is by mistake. My hope and prayer for this school year is that my actions would scream out Jesus Christ to people. That I would reach outside of my comfort zone and do what is right. To go sit and talk life with people in the caf other than my comfortable group of friends. To extend a helping hand to those who are hurting around me in the community I live in. I pray that the love of Christ would flood this campus and wash over all who encounter all who step foot on this campus. I hope to reach the weak in spirit, the "outcast" of our "Christian"society, to love the condemned and help model the grace that was given to us through the Cross! "Its your kindness Lord that leads us to repentance"! I pray that our critical hearts and minds would overshadow the grace that You have given us and that we would mimic that grace to others that You have so graciously given to us. To love in word is simply not enough, I pray that we would love in action through conversations about life and through actions that no one else may recognize but You Lord. May I seek You and study the life you lived here on earth and put into practice the things that You have revealed to me. Help me to love the lame, weak, poor and less fortunate Father. Its only through You that any of this is possible. Ill patiently wait to exercise these thoughts and feelings....

Scattered thoughts

Well im back at school once again except this time im not a student which is great! But its been a rough transition. This summer was a great summer but at the same time was a very draining and challenging summer. I didn't really have time to process what happened up at camp and transition into my new job here at cbu. I moved down on a Saturday and hit the ground running that Monday. So its been difficult so to speak trying to get back up on my feet from the demanding summer. But GOD is bigger than my minute problems and HIS power is perfected in my time of weakness which is good to know cause I always feel that I am weak. When it comes to Pine Summit and even here at CBU, people look up to me and turn to me in times of ambiguity and chaos which doesn't bother me at all but does end up taking its toll on me. Its hard to be strong for everyone and on top of that try to maintain my chaotic life. When it comes to my friends and family there always seems to be something going on which throws me for a loop but yet im still in a position to fight those thoughts and try to lead a group of people towards a common goal. Which sometimes is easy and at other times is very draining. Then fighting the good fight becomes a tougher battle for me to fight. Part of me just wants to be young and careless with my life and not worry about being responsible but that's just me wanting to take the easy way out of things. But those thoughts do cross my mind. The constant mental battle that goes through my head is something that most people don't really get to see. One cause I don't really allow people to see it and two, most people think that things are going great for me. Which most of the time things are going good. Even though life gets hard at times I am still very thankful for what I have and I know that there are plenty who are going through harder times than myself. But sometimes life does suck, and that's ok. And from a human side of things, my life has sucked for most of my life. But like I said before, GOD is bigger than my "crappy" life. I am blessed beyond belief and sometimes I tend to forget that. Its so easy to focus on the negative things in life to where they start to over shadow the many blessings that the Lord pours out on us each and everyday.... So ill continue on in this thing we call life and see where it leads me. And as I go through these different seasons of my prayer is that I may be consistent in one thing and that's dwelling on the things of the LORD.

It takes one to know me....

I sit in my empty apartment tonight with so many thoughts and emotions going through my mind. Some good... Some bad... A big part of me is excited for the future but another part is nervous to see what the future holds. My time is coming close to an end out here in Whittier. Whether or not ill come back only the Lord knows. A big part of me is sad to leave. I haven't made many friends out here but the ones I have I will truly miss. Even if most of our hangout time was in red and khaki. But with the sadness comes happiness from where im about to be. Its always a pleasant feeling to reunite with old friends. Yet I still sit in my apartment tonight with an uneasy feeling. im not too sure why either. Maybe its because I don't know what tomorrow will hold for me. Tomorrow is suppose to be my last day at work but a big part of me thinks that something is going to get screwed up with my departure from the red and khaki army. That may not be the case but that's what my gut tells me right now. Then I have an interview with my old school for a resident director job. Part of me is really excited for that but then at the same time I feel like I have already lost that fight. But hopefully I can change peoples minds about me and let them see that my life has changed a lot since I was last in school. Hopefully bias thoughts and feelings wont get in the way of things. All in all I know the Lord will help me get to where I need to be. I wont put my faith in man and his decision but rather in the Lord and His ultimate plan. So as my life continues to change with the seasons of life, ill try not to ask why but rather be active for Him no matter where im at. Ill take my passions that dwell deep within inside of me and put them into action and change the world one by one with the help of Him. im not going to be one of those people anymore that piss away passions but rather put them to good use. Within all those passions I pray that I can learn to passionately pursue Him in away that I have never have before. In a way that would leave others in astonishment but in a good way. Its only by His grace do I have the opportunity live such a life so I will do my best to not take that grace for grant it.

Transparent thoughts....

We try and try and try but yet still come up short. Effort is made to only be shot down. Effort is made by others and is accepted and plans are made. Will time one day be in my favor? Perhaps it is right now but I just don't realize it. Maybe one day ill be at the top of the totem pole... Probably not though. Perhaps the words that come out of my mouth fall on deaf ears or skeptical hearts... Perhaps the lyrics of my heart don't reach out and grab you like I wish they would... Fear has become my own worst enemy and perhaps yours too... But as time goes on ill continue to pursue my dreams and see where the Lord directs my path. Selfishly I want to take control but its obvious that He wont and isn't going to let that happen. We see the world totally differently but yet so similar. Simple thoughts plague my mind but faded dreams burden my heart. One day my words and thoughts will click in your head and realization will kick in on what I have been trying to say all along. But until then ill continue to work on my character as a man and my integrity as a leader. Im sure ill still come up short in each area only to hopefully overcome my mistakes and let them stay in the past. So until then...

the time has come....

sometimes chasing your dreams can be the scariest thing. reason being is the failure of not achieving something that you so strongly desire. unfortunately failure is apart of life, its apart of our growing process as humans. on the other side though is achieving and accomplishment. fulfillment of finally reaching your goals that have been set out before you. growing up as a child i guess that i had big dreams but to me, thats all they were.... dreams and nothing more. even going through high school and college. dreams were dreams and reality was reality. for some strange reason i never expected big things to happen for me. ive always come up 2nd when it comes to life. i have always been so close but yet no cigar. then when i finally graduated college it kind of hit me. for some strange reason i never saw myself ever graduating college. why you ask? i have no idea, thats just what i thought. so then i graduated with nothing to look forward to. i had this big college degree that was suppose to qualify me for "big jobs" but yet i didnt feel that way. i still felt like an average guy who would only accomplish average things. then one day things started to click in my head. the choice of just letting life happen or the choice to make life happen came across my path. and for once i was going to make life happen and not sit back and watch great things pass me by. i was tired of settling for less. i was tired of waisting my talents that God instilled in me a long time ago. so i finally chose action over complacency. so from there i pursued dreams and goals. i still come up short in some but began to grow closer to others. now the time to achieve a goal is within my grasp. i can feel it on the edge of my fingertips. i will soon find out if all my efforts and energy will pay off from the past 3 or 4 months. am i scared? yeah, a bit. am i excited? heck ya. a bit nervous? of course. but with all that i still stand confident. i stand confident in the man that God has made me into. i stand confident in the characterstics that makes james rogers. i stand confident in the fact that im not an average joe, that im somebody special and different from most. so tomorrow i will go into the battlefield and let the real me shine to those who i come in contact with. its time to make life happen and to fight the good fight.....

trying to be patient...

so many things to say but yet i dont know what to say. so many things are going on in life and it seems to be changing by the week but yet at the same time certain things havent changed for a long while for me. so i ask myself " is the juice worth the squeeze"? is the risk worth the reward? i mean, i know it is but then again i stand hesistant. of what.... many things i guess. so where do i go from here? what do i say? what do i do? i know in the end things will work out how its suppose to but in the mean time its rough. timing has never been on my side with anything which has created different road blocks for me when it comes to life's little situations. hopefully ill figure something out when it comes to this and hopefully it wont be too late by the time i reach a conclusion. ill try to be patient and discern when the right time may be again to try things out. so until then...