... a glimpse into the depths...

So I'm in Phoenix, away from those who I most care about and I must say,that at times, its very hard. Change is always hard it seems. Sometimes change is very necessary but that doesn't mean that its not hard sometimes. I'm having trouble adjusting here a bit. I mean, I love the people that are here and that I work with. I think that they are great and I respect them all very much. But its still difficult to get use to the fact that this is my new home. And that these new wonderful people are my family. The biggest change though deals with my relationship with Ruth. Its not easy going from seeing each other everyday to not being able to see each other or being blessed enough to see her face to face. We have managed to work something out that allows to each see each other but its still not the same. I cant smell what perfume she is wearing which all her perfumes smell amazing. I cant reach over and hold her hand. I cant walk up to her and give her a big hug which I love to do. Also its hard when it comes to communicating. Either everyday talk, feelings deep within, or daily struggles. We are now forced to talk on the phone which sucks cause neither of us is phone people. But now silence is perceived as something is wrong to where as before is was OK, cause we could still see each other. Its not always easy to keep the conversation going. Its not always easy to communicate feelings that don't make sense. Its not always easy trying to be honest with each other about what we are feeling. But none the less, we are both up for the challenge. Its not always going to be easy and so far it all hasn't been bliss but its been good. We have been able to have amazing conversations that have penetrated the depths of who we are as people which has been refreshing. Yes this long distance thing isn't always easy but I'm learning to deal with it. This is just a little glimpse of what has been on my heart. But keep one thing clear, I am truly blessed by GOD with all of this and will be grateful for it when I look back on it. And I think Ruth would say the same. Continue to work on our hearts GOD and shape us into the people YOU want us to be.

no clever title for this one...

So it's been a while since I have last posted. I've been a bit busy hanging out with Ruth. The time has almost come for me to head out to AZ so any time that I get to spend with her is taken advantage of since I wont be able to see her whenever I want coming up shortly. But that's all another blog. Ruth and I got to go to Vegas to visit the family and the time spent in the desert was a lot of fun. Very hot but at the same time very fun. The week seemed to go by in a matter of seconds. And that leads me to today where the days still seem to fly by in the blink of an eye. ... Tonight though I feel like taking my blog in a different direction. Not that what I write about is not important but I wanted to write about more applicable thoughts that I go through in my mind to y'all. And today Ill just talk about what I heard in church today.

Today the main topic of the speakers talk was "Integrity" and "Giving to God what is His". The speaker did a very good job conveying the message and it made me think a lot about my life. Ruth's dad gave me the analogy of integrity using a banana. Sounds weird but it was a good analogy. He proceeded to tell me that on the outside of the banana you have a peel and through just looking at that peel you automatically assume that there is a banana inside. And sure enough when he opened it up there was a banana inside. He related this to us as humans dealing with our "outsides" and our "insides". He told me that integrity was when someones outside accurately portrayed their inside, just like the banana. I thought the analogy was great and then I began to examine my life to see if that was true for me. I feel that most of the time they both match up, not always perfectly but at least for the most part. But sometimes its hard because we all have our own issues that we deal with internally. It makes me ask the question that because we all have our own struggles and issues does that mean we don't obtain integrity? Its not that we broadcast our issues to everyone but we definitely try to not let them show. So all in all I ask myself am I a man of integrity. I want to say yes but being my own worst critic I guess I would have to say not always. That's why I have so much respect for Ruth. I have never seen integrity modeled so well before in my life. Her inner self matches her outer self so well that it amazes me. So now for me it all comes down to is what am I willing to do to become a consistent man of integrity. It all starts with God so that's where I'll go first. So for the babbling, just random thoughts that went through my head today. Its not all worked out but that's just a glimpse into my mind.

... so i'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned...

So its been a while since I last wrote on this blog so here goes. Life has been pretty slow as of lately. Now that my job here at CBU is officially done there isn't much for me to do around here. The one person that I really want to spend time with the most before I take off to AZ is half way around the world right now co-leading a great group of students serving the Lord. Soon she will be back and when she is I'm sure that the time will fly by cause that's what seems to happen when we are together. And of course when we are apart time goes by slower than ever. But what can I do ya know.

But overall things have been going really well. I got to go to Minnesota and be with great people. I had a lot of fun reconnecting with old friends and hanging out with current friends. Its always a refreshing time for me when I get to hang out with old friends. I don't get to hang out with them much anymore these days but when I get back together with them its great.

I cant wait for this month to be over though cause that means its closer to the time when Ruth and I get to go out to Vegas. I'm really looking forward to heading back home and Ruth getting to know my family. I think that's what makes this time apart seem like forever cause I'm so excited to just go back home. But one day at a time. Soon her and I will be hanging out with my family and that excites me. So until then...

...Well I would walk around the earth, To have another chance with you...

Another late night and I find myself here by my computer so I felt like writing a blog. School is for sure out for the summer and the dorms I live in are DEAD! The only sign of life is when the Admissions Counselors from our school come down my hall and key into my room trying to show new students what the dorms look like. Even though they always key in and come to realize that its my apartment, it seems that as soon as they shut the door they forget what just happened cause the next day they do the same freakin thing! But whatever, just a part of livin in the dorms.
Overall my week has been good, very slow but good. Surprisingly doing some GA work by helping out with interviews and what not for the GA staff for next year. Hooch is gone for the week on a cruise to Mexico with all her friends livin the life and catchin some rays while the rest of us are stuck here in Riverside. Sometimes life doesn't seem fair! haha. Even though she is only gone for a week it seems like forever. Nothing to get suicidal over but definitely not fun being away from her. Normally the phone would fill the distance gap but for some odd reason cell phones don't work out in the open ocean! But any who, she comes back on Friday so I'm pretty stoked about that. It's been a long time coming it seems for Ruth and I and now that its here it seems that we are both busy with going on trips. Not a bad thing at all but when you experience someone as great as her, all you want to do is be around her. So the weekend will be nice then starting on Monday it will be no so nice til the end of June. So ill be sure not to take my time for grant it with you Hooch so hurry up and get back!

... if I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world...

I feel the need to just write but I'm not too sure what words to say. Life this past month and a half has been amazing. I feel and see Gods blessings so much these days. I've been blessed with a job as an RD at GCU, I have been blessed with amazing friends, a great family as in my mom and sis and them and have been extremely blessed with an amazing girlfriend! I feel as if right now that GOD has opened my eyes up to see the world in such a new way. I feel that He has broken through some of the layers in my soul and has revived it in a very special way. I feel like He has been really working on my mind and heart this past school year. I have seen a lot of who I am from my past and how I let the past still affects me to this day. I was able to share with Ruth a little bit tonight about my dad and my life without him and stuff and through talking to her it finally kind of hit me that I'm not the man my dad is. That I'm not even going in that same direction. For most of my life I have been afraid that I would reflect his life with mine. And finally 26 years later it hit me personally for the first time, that I'm James Rogers not Jay Rogers. I'm my own person and I owe it all to Jesus Christ. Its because of Christ that I can hold my head up proudly and trust in the fact the love that comes from Him is unconditional and perfect! And He showers that love over me everyday in spite of all my imperfections. I still have a hard time of understanding why He would do that but I think its because I don't fully understand what it is to love unconditionally. But what I do know is that God is amazing and that He creates amazing people and puts them in our lives at the perfect times! And as I drove home tonight reflecting on my life and where I have been and where I am going I am thankful for the Lord putting you in my life. Thanks for fighting my fears for me without even knowing it! My heart is at peace when I am with you and feels safe when it thinks about you. Thanks for being you!

... I keep a close watch on this heart of mine...

So much to say but words could never do justice about the one that the Lord has blessed me with. Its been a long time coming but finally a sincere commitment has been made on my end and hers. My fears of having a girlfriend once again, have vanished and the excitement of where this journey will go has set in. And whats even more exciting is that close friends and family are on board as well as we start off down this path. I have no idea what the future holds for us and wont make any empty promises of how it will all end up. But what I do know is that my heart smiles each time its in your presence and that your company is truly appreciated. There is so much more I could say but I'll keep it short for now. Thanks for being you Ruth and don't ever stop smiling! Gods got big plans for you and I'm thankful that at least for this season of your life that I get to be apart of that! Never give up on your dreams and the passions of your heart. With people like you on the this earth there is hope that this world can become a better place. Continue to show the love of Christ to all those you come in contact with and never forget who you are in Him! That's all for now.. see ya soon! : )

...forget the past and focus on the man that you want to become...

So I'll start off with the pic. Why did I pic this picture to put? And my answer is," Why not"! This pic makes me laugh so I felt like being random and putting up a picture that has nothing to do with this blog!

Any who. Schools out for the summer and its boring as heck here at CBU! I need to get a job asap and make some green that way i cant eat for the next few months! And if I can make enough maybe I can go on a date or two here before I take off to the AZ! Eventually I should probably start going through my apartment and getting rid of stuff that I don't need. I'm such a pack rat and I keep EVERYTHING cause I'm crazy like that. But all in all it would probably be a good move on my part to start going through my crap and consolidating. I think once I start doing that and going through my stuff and start boxin some stuff up the reality of me leaving will hit. As of right now my mind knows I'm about to leave but it just doest seem real yet. But I'm sure reality will hit really hard when I'm stripped of the privilege of seeing you everyday. I'm not excited about the separation but there's not much I can do about it at this point but embrace it. Physical separation though wont cause my mind to separate from the thoughts of you. You may be out of sight but definitely will not be out of mind! Africa will be a big test but its a test that I believe we'll pass with flying colors! So until next time, enjoy the pic! : )