Thursday, June 15, 2006
I sit in my empty apartment tonight with so many thoughts and emotions going through my mind. Some good... Some bad... A big part of me is excited for the future but another part is nervous to see what the future holds. My time is coming close to an end out here in Whittier. Whether or not ill come back only the Lord knows. A big part of me is sad to leave. I haven't made many friends out here but the ones I have I will truly miss. Even if most of our hangout time was in red and khaki. But with the sadness comes happiness from where im about to be. Its always a pleasant feeling to reunite with old friends. Yet I still sit in my apartment tonight with an uneasy feeling. im not too sure why either. Maybe its because I don't know what tomorrow will hold for me. Tomorrow is suppose to be my last day at work but a big part of me thinks that something is going to get screwed up with my departure from the red and khaki army. That may not be the case but that's what my gut tells me right now. Then I have an interview with my old school for a resident director job. Part of me is really excited for that but then at the same time I feel like I have already lost that fight. But hopefully I can change peoples minds about me and let them see that my life has changed a lot since I was last in school. Hopefully bias thoughts and feelings wont get in the way of things. All in all I know the Lord will help me get to where I need to be. I wont put my faith in man and his decision but rather in the Lord and His ultimate plan. So as my life continues to change with the seasons of life, ill try not to ask why but rather be active for Him no matter where im at. Ill take my passions that dwell deep within inside of me and put them into action and change the world one by one with the help of Him. im not going to be one of those people anymore that piss away passions but rather put them to good use. Within all those passions I pray that I can learn to passionately pursue Him in away that I have never have before. In a way that would leave others in astonishment but in a good way. Its only by His grace do I have the opportunity live such a life so I will do my best to not take that grace for grant it.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
We try and try and try but yet still come up short. Effort is made to only be shot down. Effort is made by others and is accepted and plans are made. Will time one day be in my favor? Perhaps it is right now but I just don't realize it. Maybe one day ill be at the top of the totem pole... Probably not though. Perhaps the words that come out of my mouth fall on deaf ears or skeptical hearts... Perhaps the lyrics of my heart don't reach out and grab you like I wish they would... Fear has become my own worst enemy and perhaps yours too... But as time goes on ill continue to pursue my dreams and see where the Lord directs my path. Selfishly I want to take control but its obvious that He wont and isn't going to let that happen. We see the world totally differently but yet so similar. Simple thoughts plague my mind but faded dreams burden my heart. One day my words and thoughts will click in your head and realization will kick in on what I have been trying to say all along. But until then ill continue to work on my character as a man and my integrity as a leader. Im sure ill still come up short in each area only to hopefully overcome my mistakes and let them stay in the past. So until then...