The change has to first start in me....

Right now for some reason I feel overwhelmed with different emotions. Today church was really good and I feel more and more that Sandals is the place the Lord wants me to be. Then tonight I met with my accountability group and we just talked life and Jesus for 2 hours and it felt really good. It was extremely challenging but yet very refreshing at the same time. I feel that the Lord is doing big things here at CBU in the lives of the people here on campus as well as in myself. A desire to share Christ with people is starting to burn deep into my soul it feels. Yet the sin that so easily entangles me keeps trying to hold me back. But I wont let simple stupid mistakes hold me back. My prayer right now though is that I would learn what it is to truly be BOLD for Jesus Christ. To learn what it is to live a life where I stop worrying about what man will think but will boldly proclaim the Gospel to those who need to hear it. I have spent the last 25 years of my life afraid to share with others about what I believe and the time has come to change that. Sure, I could go overseas for a month and flip the light switch on and share without fear but I want it to be more than that. I want it to be a life style, not just a mission trip. If I cant share Jesus Christ here, to CBU, to the community of Riverside, how in the heck will I be able to share there(wherever there may be)? The only way to make a change in the world for the sake of Christ is to first make the change with in my own life. So with the help of my brothers in Christ I will attempt to live a bold life style for the Author and Creator of life. So help me Lord to equip myself with the tools that I need for this journey. Give me the words and the eyes and heart to see others as You do.

A letter edged in black....

Well its been a long day and as the night finally comes to an end I find myself at my computer listening to a little Johnny cash, inspired to write some of my scattered thoughts down so here goes nothing! Have you ever been really good at something but yet people tell you that "its just not for you"? In different ways that has been me this past year. For some reason the LORD used Target and the people I worked with to change my life in a radical way. When it came to the ways of Target and the vision they have and the direction they are going hit me really hard for some reason. Within in that I was growing in ways I never thought possible and began to pick up on everything very easily. Target invested into me and I become good at what I was doing but yet all of my friends kept telling me that Target wasn't for me. Its weird how I found something that I was great at but yet every was sayin "NO". My friends tell me that though out of love and know that my heart is passionate about a great deal of things more than Target could offer so in no way am I hating on them. Its just weird how it all worked out I guess. But I am thankful for where I am at but yet my heart still misses those at store 248. When it comes down to it I guess its the people that changed my life forever, not necessarily Target. Now im here at CBU again and I hope I can make as much of an impact on the students and faculty here just as much as those who impacted my life at Target. Every thing definitely happens for a reason and nothing is by mistake. My hope and prayer for this school year is that my actions would scream out Jesus Christ to people. That I would reach outside of my comfort zone and do what is right. To go sit and talk life with people in the caf other than my comfortable group of friends. To extend a helping hand to those who are hurting around me in the community I live in. I pray that the love of Christ would flood this campus and wash over all who encounter all who step foot on this campus. I hope to reach the weak in spirit, the "outcast" of our "Christian"society, to love the condemned and help model the grace that was given to us through the Cross! "Its your kindness Lord that leads us to repentance"! I pray that our critical hearts and minds would overshadow the grace that You have given us and that we would mimic that grace to others that You have so graciously given to us. To love in word is simply not enough, I pray that we would love in action through conversations about life and through actions that no one else may recognize but You Lord. May I seek You and study the life you lived here on earth and put into practice the things that You have revealed to me. Help me to love the lame, weak, poor and less fortunate Father. Its only through You that any of this is possible. Ill patiently wait to exercise these thoughts and feelings....

Scattered thoughts

Well im back at school once again except this time im not a student which is great! But its been a rough transition. This summer was a great summer but at the same time was a very draining and challenging summer. I didn't really have time to process what happened up at camp and transition into my new job here at cbu. I moved down on a Saturday and hit the ground running that Monday. So its been difficult so to speak trying to get back up on my feet from the demanding summer. But GOD is bigger than my minute problems and HIS power is perfected in my time of weakness which is good to know cause I always feel that I am weak. When it comes to Pine Summit and even here at CBU, people look up to me and turn to me in times of ambiguity and chaos which doesn't bother me at all but does end up taking its toll on me. Its hard to be strong for everyone and on top of that try to maintain my chaotic life. When it comes to my friends and family there always seems to be something going on which throws me for a loop but yet im still in a position to fight those thoughts and try to lead a group of people towards a common goal. Which sometimes is easy and at other times is very draining. Then fighting the good fight becomes a tougher battle for me to fight. Part of me just wants to be young and careless with my life and not worry about being responsible but that's just me wanting to take the easy way out of things. But those thoughts do cross my mind. The constant mental battle that goes through my head is something that most people don't really get to see. One cause I don't really allow people to see it and two, most people think that things are going great for me. Which most of the time things are going good. Even though life gets hard at times I am still very thankful for what I have and I know that there are plenty who are going through harder times than myself. But sometimes life does suck, and that's ok. And from a human side of things, my life has sucked for most of my life. But like I said before, GOD is bigger than my "crappy" life. I am blessed beyond belief and sometimes I tend to forget that. Its so easy to focus on the negative things in life to where they start to over shadow the many blessings that the Lord pours out on us each and everyday.... So ill continue on in this thing we call life and see where it leads me. And as I go through these different seasons of my prayer is that I may be consistent in one thing and that's dwelling on the things of the LORD.

It takes one to know me....

I sit in my empty apartment tonight with so many thoughts and emotions going through my mind. Some good... Some bad... A big part of me is excited for the future but another part is nervous to see what the future holds. My time is coming close to an end out here in Whittier. Whether or not ill come back only the Lord knows. A big part of me is sad to leave. I haven't made many friends out here but the ones I have I will truly miss. Even if most of our hangout time was in red and khaki. But with the sadness comes happiness from where im about to be. Its always a pleasant feeling to reunite with old friends. Yet I still sit in my apartment tonight with an uneasy feeling. im not too sure why either. Maybe its because I don't know what tomorrow will hold for me. Tomorrow is suppose to be my last day at work but a big part of me thinks that something is going to get screwed up with my departure from the red and khaki army. That may not be the case but that's what my gut tells me right now. Then I have an interview with my old school for a resident director job. Part of me is really excited for that but then at the same time I feel like I have already lost that fight. But hopefully I can change peoples minds about me and let them see that my life has changed a lot since I was last in school. Hopefully bias thoughts and feelings wont get in the way of things. All in all I know the Lord will help me get to where I need to be. I wont put my faith in man and his decision but rather in the Lord and His ultimate plan. So as my life continues to change with the seasons of life, ill try not to ask why but rather be active for Him no matter where im at. Ill take my passions that dwell deep within inside of me and put them into action and change the world one by one with the help of Him. im not going to be one of those people anymore that piss away passions but rather put them to good use. Within all those passions I pray that I can learn to passionately pursue Him in away that I have never have before. In a way that would leave others in astonishment but in a good way. Its only by His grace do I have the opportunity live such a life so I will do my best to not take that grace for grant it.

Transparent thoughts....

We try and try and try but yet still come up short. Effort is made to only be shot down. Effort is made by others and is accepted and plans are made. Will time one day be in my favor? Perhaps it is right now but I just don't realize it. Maybe one day ill be at the top of the totem pole... Probably not though. Perhaps the words that come out of my mouth fall on deaf ears or skeptical hearts... Perhaps the lyrics of my heart don't reach out and grab you like I wish they would... Fear has become my own worst enemy and perhaps yours too... But as time goes on ill continue to pursue my dreams and see where the Lord directs my path. Selfishly I want to take control but its obvious that He wont and isn't going to let that happen. We see the world totally differently but yet so similar. Simple thoughts plague my mind but faded dreams burden my heart. One day my words and thoughts will click in your head and realization will kick in on what I have been trying to say all along. But until then ill continue to work on my character as a man and my integrity as a leader. Im sure ill still come up short in each area only to hopefully overcome my mistakes and let them stay in the past. So until then...

the time has come....

sometimes chasing your dreams can be the scariest thing. reason being is the failure of not achieving something that you so strongly desire. unfortunately failure is apart of life, its apart of our growing process as humans. on the other side though is achieving and accomplishment. fulfillment of finally reaching your goals that have been set out before you. growing up as a child i guess that i had big dreams but to me, thats all they were.... dreams and nothing more. even going through high school and college. dreams were dreams and reality was reality. for some strange reason i never expected big things to happen for me. ive always come up 2nd when it comes to life. i have always been so close but yet no cigar. then when i finally graduated college it kind of hit me. for some strange reason i never saw myself ever graduating college. why you ask? i have no idea, thats just what i thought. so then i graduated with nothing to look forward to. i had this big college degree that was suppose to qualify me for "big jobs" but yet i didnt feel that way. i still felt like an average guy who would only accomplish average things. then one day things started to click in my head. the choice of just letting life happen or the choice to make life happen came across my path. and for once i was going to make life happen and not sit back and watch great things pass me by. i was tired of settling for less. i was tired of waisting my talents that God instilled in me a long time ago. so i finally chose action over complacency. so from there i pursued dreams and goals. i still come up short in some but began to grow closer to others. now the time to achieve a goal is within my grasp. i can feel it on the edge of my fingertips. i will soon find out if all my efforts and energy will pay off from the past 3 or 4 months. am i scared? yeah, a bit. am i excited? heck ya. a bit nervous? of course. but with all that i still stand confident. i stand confident in the man that God has made me into. i stand confident in the characterstics that makes james rogers. i stand confident in the fact that im not an average joe, that im somebody special and different from most. so tomorrow i will go into the battlefield and let the real me shine to those who i come in contact with. its time to make life happen and to fight the good fight.....

trying to be patient...

so many things to say but yet i dont know what to say. so many things are going on in life and it seems to be changing by the week but yet at the same time certain things havent changed for a long while for me. so i ask myself " is the juice worth the squeeze"? is the risk worth the reward? i mean, i know it is but then again i stand hesistant. of what.... many things i guess. so where do i go from here? what do i say? what do i do? i know in the end things will work out how its suppose to but in the mean time its rough. timing has never been on my side with anything which has created different road blocks for me when it comes to life's little situations. hopefully ill figure something out when it comes to this and hopefully it wont be too late by the time i reach a conclusion. ill try to be patient and discern when the right time may be again to try things out. so until then...

Which will you choose....

We all live our life for different reason. And within the life that we live, different moments define us. Different situations are placed in front of us and how we handle those situations could change our life forever. But one question comes to mind for me, what separates someone from being great compared to just average? I believe we are all faced with different moments in our life to become great and do great things but for whatever reason we let those moments just pass us by and always wonder what if. For most of my life I have always just kind of sat back and to some extent, waited for great things to happen to me but that can only take a person so far. The time has come though for me to do great things, to take that next step and achieve the things that I truly believe I'm capable of doing. The results to different situations lie in our own hands. I cant expect someone else to do the work for me or hope that it will all work out. Some people say that maybe its not God's will that you achieve this or that He has something way better planned for you. Which in many aspects I do believe. But if I'm living my life in a way that glorifies Him, does it really matter what job I have? Will God not allow me to achieve certain goals because its not in His will? Will I mess up His sovereign plan if I do get this job? So many questions when it comes to this topic. But what if God has the door shut and locked but yet is sitting on the otherside of the door waiting to see if I will figure out still how to get it open? What if He purposely has made the road a lot tougher just to see how hard I will fight? So many questions that come to mind. The time has come though to put on my game face and make things happen. To gather up my confidence and let it shine throughout my actions. To put it all on the line and not hold back. No one ever achieved a dream by just sitting back and waiting on the dream to just happen. Hard work and dedication comes into accomplishing any dream or goal in life. So whatever fears or nerves that are within me will be pushed to the side and the time to be great will be upon me. Its do or die time...

Patiently Pursuing....

At times I feel that I have so much that I want to say but I hold back for whatever reason. I have never really been the person that keeps things in but for a good five or six months now I have learned to keep my mouth shut and let time run its course. Yet still at the same time there is so much that I want to say and do but choose to lay low, to pursue the different goals that I have set for myself right now. So we'll see I guess. Like you said a long while ago, out of sight but not out of mind... In time they say that people change and so do thoughts and emotions but for once I seem to have a developed a fond consistency of thoughts and what not which is kind of neat... We all live our lives with anticipation of what the future holds but in many aspects, the future is now, its constantly creeping up on us. And not that I'm anxious for the future, but rather I find myself confident and content with what the future holds for me... Like I said, the future is upon us and its time to make our futuristic goals a reality within our own lives. With that said, for some reason I find myself hesistant, afraid to make some of my dreams come to life right now. The past and failure way heavy on my thoughts when it comes to this. Not that I'm driven by the fear of failure but I guess I'm just a bit more contemplative and thoughtful on the subject. Afraid to make a good thing go bad... But such is life right now, full of life changing choices that could impact my life and others for the rest of our time here on earth. I just hope the choices make positive impacts instead of negative impacts. I'm tired of the negative, I want to make positive, life changing choices.... Hopefully timing will be on myside this time and not an enemy like previously. Bumps in the road will appear in this journey but I will not be shaken....So I'll continue to passinonately pursue the dreams of my heart that will hopefully direct me in my path of life. Hopefully one day passions will be combined and the road will grow wider to make room that special person and new dreams will be created to be chased after together.... but until then...

Throw The First Stone At Me....

Well... once again my overactive mind has gotten the best of me and is plagued with thoughts of all kinds. I try to silence the thoughts with music or words from others but still come up empty. One way or another I stand subjective to the words of my head and heart. From a glance you would never know of the struggles that plague my everyday life, the struggles that few know about and the struggles that I dont share with anyone. I live such an inconsistant life that it drives me crazy. There are days that I feel that I'm right on track and then there are days that I cant even find the track. But no matter what track I'm on the fight for righteousness burns within my soul. I will forever come up short of His glory but within that I pray to never lose the desire and will to fight the good fight. Imperfections will always be apart of my life which I feel at times will always be held over my head. But even through the thought of that I still share openly to those who actually care becuase I'm confident that my life's expereiences will one day be able to help another out and shed light on different situations. It seems that those things we are ashamed of the most will be the things that can help others overcome and defeat the problem before it arises within their life. Its not about pointing out the wrong in others lives but assesing the situations at hand and moving towards a better solution. Its not our job to condemn each other for our imperfections that we all have but rather to build up and encourage each other in this thing called life. Its ironic that we who are imperfect so quickly cast judgement upon one another. We who judge others will one day be judged twice as hard from someone who is perfect and blameless. The thought of that is kind of scary for me. "He who is without sin cast the first stone". This quote speaks truth no matter what you believe in. Its not our job to condemn those whose faults show more so than "ours".... This blog kind of came out of no where. When it comes to this topic I really didnt even had it in mind when i picked up the keyboard but there you have it. Definately a convicting blog for myself and no matter how much I feel that I'm improving in this subject I still get reminded in different ways of what my role is within this topic.

Process Of Thoughts....

Well, once again life has creeped up on me and has overloaded my brain to the point to where its hard to sleep again. Sometimes my brain is thinking so much that I cant get a good nights rest and I wake up tired even though I slept the night away. But I guess this time its a little different for me, im actually doing something with my life. Im not just sitting around waiting for life to happen. Im not waiting for the "voice of GOD" to break through the clouds to tell me what to do. Too many times as believers we do nothing with life becuase we are waiting on God's will. We are trying so hard to find out what God's will is for our life we end up doing nothing with life itself. We search and search but seem to come up empty. For me this excuse is no long valid when it comes to life. Being complacent and "waiting on His will" in no way shape or form is doing His will, its actually quite the opposite. God did give us the power of choice. And we can choose to do nothing or we can choose to do something. Part of me truly believes that it doesnt matter what you do, that He just wants to see if we will take the initiative to do something with our lives. If we are truly focused on Him and actively living a life that is changing others eternally, then we are doing His will, no matter where you're at location wise or job wise.... My roommate said that in his ethics class the other day they were talking about people that quit their jobs to join the ministry. Him and I kind of laughed about that becuase its an oxymoron. I think thats what most people think though, but if we are kingdom focused all the time, any job we do would be our ministry... Then comes the struggle of where to go, what choice will be the right one. And basically if we base our decision on the right principles of what we believe any choice will be the right one. We serve a big GOD, no matter where we are He will meet us, thats what is great about our God. The key though is remember who He is and His attributes. He is soveriegn, He is immutable, forever unchanging, do we really think that our little lives will screw up His sovereign will? I highly doubt that.... He calls us to be active followers not complacent believers that wait for Him to make our choices for us. He gives us the passions and desires of our hearts, let those things guide your choices with what you do in life. But remember, those things He places on our hearts our made to glorify Him, not please our selfish hearts. He wants us to live a life that pleases Him and sitting on our butts "waiting" is not pleasing to Him.... Stop waiting for life to happen and start making life happen. You would be amazed how much more you will see God moving in your life when you just choose to take action.

Dont Live Life Just Becuase....

Sometimes i sit and wonder where my life is going. not that its going nowhere but sometimes i wish i could see into the future to see where ill be at in 6 months. Will i still be here in cali? will i be working at a school doing what im most passionate about? will i still be here in whittier? or will i finally accomplish a short term goal and become an exec. at Target? I guess only time will tell for me... My heart these days is burdened for people that have no direction in life. Who live life just cuase and when i asked why they have no answer. My heart is burdened for those who are seeking help. Seeking Truth or just signifigance in who they are as a person.... Working at a school or a camp is something that i've been passionate about for a while now and have felt that working in those two environments would help me live out the passions that GOD has laid upon my heart. And i still firmly believe that but i cant deny what doors HE is opening for me in a whole new realm that i am so unfamiliar with. The bubble that cal bap created for me is finally gone! the real world is such a crazy place. You really find out what your made of when your out on your own. There is no guarentees like there was at school. I knew with school that i would have a place to live for 9 months and at least 7 meals a week. That all disappeared when i left cal bap and life got real, real quick. But even though that my life has no guarantees anymore, im loving it. Im finally finding out who i am and what im made out of. And within that im ready to start making a change in peoples lives for HIM. Im no longer waiting for things to just happen for me. Im going out and acheiving and persueing my passions and dreams and what a great feeling that is. And who would of thought that Target has played a big part in making all this a reality for me. go figure! So its time to no longer let dreams be dreams, but yet make those dreams become reality. Give me two years and prepare to be amazed. Not of what im doing, but yet what HE is doing through me!

Soul Searching....

Its been a while since ive last written a blog and due to the rainy day and a mind that wont stop thinking, i figured today would be a good day to write one. lately for me, ive been trying to step back and take a look at my life and have been re-evaluating things. its been a process that has been good so far but at the same time is not even close to being over. even though the process has been going well, at the same times its never easy to hold yourself underneath a magnifying glass. you see things up close that you werent able to see from far away. and at times the small things that i am starting to see have caused me to question who the real james rogers is. the real james that only GOD can see. now does this mean that i have been being fake or what not? hell no! if anyone knows me then you know what u see is what you get. i dont hide much. but when i refer to the real james and stuff, im talking about the motives of my heart and actions. for example, i say i live for Christ but what proves that. i dont think its possible to live for Christ only inwardly. so ive been examining my actions. are they matching up with my heart's desires. and also at the same time are my words a reflection of my actions and my heart. for example, in certain situations i know what the right thing to do in my heart is but for some reason when i try to put that into action it comes out wrong and just causes strife. even though my intent was pure, i still came across in the wrong way. my heart's desire is to change lives for HIM and encourage people to find signifigance in their life. but yet at times i seem to do nothing but cause pain and strife to their life. yes i know this is not true in all cases, but its those specific cases that stick out in my head more than others.... i truly believe that actions are a reflection of one's heart and for the most part words just get in the way. i can talk a good talk but im tired of just talking. im tired of having good ideas in my head and heart and doing nothing about them. i dont want people to just hear my words. i want people to see the truth through my actions. sometimes i wish the world was deaf that way we couldnt deceive each other with our words that dont match up with our actions. that way people would have to look at our actions. but within that i would hope people would see my love for HIM first and foremost. i dont want people to say, "man, james really loves his wife(when that day comes) or man, james really loves his kids or friends" or whatever it may be. i would want them to say, "man, james really does love Christ". cause thats what matters the most. and i truly believe that if one truly lives his life for and with the love of Christ that it will filter down into every other area of their life. sometimes i ask myself, as a believer, can i truly love someone if i dont truly love Christ. then comes the next question, how do i know if i truly love HIM? and thats when i would say stop listening to me and start looking at me, at my actions. do i spend time with HIM? how much time? does my life refledt His love? all areas or just some? will i praise Him in the bad times along with the good? its easy to seek and praise Him when life is going perfect.... im just tired of my words telling the world one thing and my actions saying another. when both of those two things align up, ive seen GOD do amazing things in me and through me.... im tired of living my life and doing things without purpose. why do i do the things i do? whats the purpose behind everything i do?... so im seeking for the real purpose of why i live my life and the reason behind my actions. hopefully this blog can become reality instead of just words on a page... in time i will find out i guess, huh........

A Different Kind Of Blog....

One day there was a man along with his 3 kids that were taking the local subway to get back home. as they got on the subway the dad just kind of stood there not really paying attention to anything going on. the father's kids ranging from ages 3 to 7 began to play around like they were at recess on the subway train. but yet the father continued to just stand there like nothing was going on out of the ordinary. the people around him on the subway were in shock. they couldnt believe how this dad could just let these kids just run rampid. so as the kids kept playin around, the passengers began to grow restless. becoming more and more agrivated as time went on. one lady whispered to the man next to her, " how can this man just let his kids act like this?" as another person said to man next to him. " i cant belive this dad, he doesnt even care that his kids are acting out of control." the kids kept on playin and the dad just continued to stand there. finally one lady couldnt take it anymore. she stood up and asked the dad, " what is your problem mister? why are u letting ur kids play around like this? dont u have any respect for those around you?" the dad looked at the lady, then looked around at his kids and then said to the lady, " im really sorry. you see, their mother just passed away in the hospital this morning and they dont really know how to react to the loss." the lady stood there in shock. all of a sudden it all made sense..... theres always a deeper meaning to how one acts. one shouldnt be so quick to judge the outside but should search for the deeper meaning at hand. its kind of scary when a paradigm shift hits like that. but then again, it helps to put things into perspective. ive never wrote a blog like this one before. why i decided to write about this, im not too sure. so i guess i want to say is dont be so quick to judge. give people a chance and find out why they are the way they are. ingnorance is bliss.....

Where Are You....

I sit and play my guitar and the words and emotions sometimes just start to flow so smoothly. words that come out so perfectly one after another that only i can hear. i try to write them down but as soon as i grab my pen they are gone. so i put the pen down and start to play again and there they are. all fears of singing are put aside and i just let it all go. my heart becomes fully exposed in those moments to no one but myself and GOD. its crazy to hear myself sing about so many things. different emotions that i forgot about seem to come out as i sing. most of the emotions are not pleasant ones, but thats ok. sad songs always connect better with people than happy ones, or so it seems in today's world. so i think of songs of that perfect girl that ill never meet. or sing songs of the girl that i so freely gave my heart to out of ignorance to only have it handed back to me in worse shape than i gave it to her in. or the girl that only liked me behind closed doors. that told me how great i was but yet never wanted to commit to me. the one who just cut off all communication and pretended that i didnt even exist anymore. but in the long run i became thankful that she did what she did. then comes the one that just didnt work out. there is really no reason why it didnt work out, it just didnt. sometimes i wish that we werent created for relationships. i wish that being single was how it suppose to be for all of us. that we didnt need the companionship of another. wouldnt life be so much easier? the pain of being apart from someone sucks. the absence of their presence is somtimes too much for me. sometimes i wish i could just love without my heart. that way i wouldnt have to worry about it breaking again. but i feel that im on the verge of not having to worry about that anymore. this transitional time of my life is takin a tole on the heart of big game. i dont have much to offer people i feel. but one thing that i did have to offer is my heart. but unforunately i offered it to wrong people and now im afraid i dont know how much i have of it to offer anymore. i dont know what it means to guard my heart. and ive paid the price for it. and what is hard is that ive been told my whole life, how to live my life by my fellow christians. guard ur heart im told. let Jesus fill your void of loneliness. just read when ur looking for answers. and so on and so on. and yes, i agree with all of that. but no one can show me how to do that. they just tell me, do this, do that. but how the hell do u do those things. ive gone 24 years of my life trying to learn how to do those things. and i try. not all the time but i try. and guess what fellow believers, its easier said than done. so cut me some slack when i share my heart. im not losing hope or giving up, im just sharing. once u realize that im not crying out for help and that im just sharing my heart, maybe u will get the point of my blog.... one day ill find answers, and when i do ill share them with the world.

Will It Always Be Like This....

When it comes to emotions of the heart i find myself confused. i feel that my heart goes through a rollercoaster of emotions each day. and even more so when i go back to familiar surroundings. its weird to think how a certain smell, or a familiar path once taken, or the number of an apt can flood the heart with so many different emotions. good emotions. bad emotions. they all come back in a split second it seems. i try to fight some of the emotions off and then again i try to go along with some of them. but in the end i always stand confused. i sometimes wonder why GOD has placed certain people in my life. then comes the question of which emotions to act upon. we all come in contact with tons of people daily. and within that we tend to connect with some on a higher level than most. and along with that connection comes a certain level of attraction. then comes the choice of whether or not to act on those miniscule feelings or if you just let them blow over. nine times out of ten i think we let those feelings blow over. sometimes it may take a while but all in all the feelings are never acted upon. mainly because we are afraid of rejection. afraid of putting ourself out there to only get hurt in the end. but to me it doesnt make sense to sit at home all night and think about someone to only never act upon those feelings. i say if there is an attraction or feelings are there, why not try it out. if its not suppose to work out then the feelings will go away and you will know for sure and you will never have to wonder "what if". cause the answer will have been revealed to you. but then what happens when you try it out and try to act upon your feelings to only have the other person not respond? do you continue to persevere and pursue or do you just give up? its a rough question for me to deal with. it gets old having feelings for someone and them liking you back but nothing ever works out for one reason or another. its hard to put yourself out there to only come up empty in the end. so it makes me debate. do i try harder? or do i just give it up cuase history shows that its not gonna happen, for one reason or another. these days....i just feel like givin up.

Which Way To Go....

It seemss that when it comes to life, in the blink of an eye your world can change. its funny how it works out like that. its like your following down a path that seems to be the right one and then the next thing you know your going in another direction and have no idea how u got on that path. and when it comes to that new path its scary and fun all at the same time. then the questions start to arise. should i continue on this path? is the journey going to be worth it all in the end? will i just end up wondering why the hell did i even choose to go down this path? so many questions that can only be answered after the journey is over. so we'll see. so many choices to make. sometimes i just wish i could see the future and see how different choices would turn out but unfortunately i cant do that. plus i guess it would take all the fun out of life. so yet once again i stand torn on what to do when it comes to certain things. i feel like my new slogan on life is "expect the unexpected". but hey. i must admit that i kind of like the unexpected. keeps me on my toes. plus when it comes to these paradigm shifts in my life, it fuels my thoughts when it comes to writing music. which is always a good thing. so as i sit and listen to ben harper play his guitar and sing his lyrics im inspired. inspired to creatively put my thoughts about my life to music. which maybe one day ill be able to share with the world.

Bitter Sweet Emotions....

One is the lonliest number! aint that so true. i mean being single definately has its perks. for the most part its drama free. you dont find yourself getting pissed off at the little things. as oppose to dating you become more irritable. funny how that works out. but being single you can just live and do whatever you want and not have to worry about another person. you're free to be more spuratic. but then again your lonely. always alone by yourself wishing that you had someone to just talk to or do something with. when ur dating someone its like a guaranteed hang out time. you dont have to plan it 3 days in advance or anything like that, its a given. which is nice at times. being single vs. dating is always such a bitter sweet thing. they both have so many perks.... its tough being in a relatoinship though. you have to give and put a lot of energy into making it work. there is the whole getting to know that person stage. the whole breaking through the walls that the other person has put up becuase of different life situations or from previous hurtful relationships. and at the same time breaking down your own walls making yourself vulnrable to being hurt again. its kind of scary when u think about it. theres nothing worse than having your heart broke by someone. thats why it seems so much easier to just be single. no heart break! but then again theres no love. deep down inside we all want to be deisred and loved by someone. we want to be captured by the beauty of that other person. to where u just want to stare at them all day long cause their beauty is so captivating. we want to find someone who is going to give their all in all to make it work out. but even in a world filled with millions, i feel that i may never meet that one person. part of me wants to search for her but part of me wants to just let it go. being lonley sucks but giving your heart to someone for them to only disregard it sucks even more. so im hesitant to get attatched to anyone these days. and then there is always the fear of rejection. the fear that you'll never match up to their standards. i mean, a person can only hear that your a great guy but i dont want to date you so many times. but whatever. just some thoughts going through my head right now. dont worry, im not suicidal or anything like that. i dont enjoy being lonely all the time but i do love life. and yes i know that all my desires can only be filled from HIM so please no lectures. these are just some simple thoughts from a simple guy.

Transitional Thoughts....

Its one of those nights again, where im sitting at home bored out of my mind. so as i waist my life away tonight on myspace, i felt like writing a blog. when it comes to life after college, im still having trouble transitioning from college life to the real world. i mean its not that my life sucks, but its not always easy being away from all your closest friends. ive spent for the most part the last five years of my life with a lot of those people. they became my family. and now they are gone. well not really, but u get my point. its just different not being surrounded by close friends all the time. my daily routine is wake up, go to work, come home, eat, shower, sleep. then i do it all again the next day. which at times its not bad. but somedays it just gets old. but now days i guess i am surrounded by a new group of people, friends u could say. i am growing very fond of the people i work with. i mean, i work with them everyday for the most part. and for me i love getting to know people and learn about their lives. its almost like they are becoming my new family. i know for the most part there are a couple of people i work with that would for sure be there for me if i needed them. and thats cool. and i would hope that they would know that i would return the favor if ever needed. i guess its kind of random the different people that GOD surrounds us by at different times in our lives. im very thankful for those that are in my life right now. and for those that arent necissarily in my life right now but have been. cause they are still in my heart. i dont know how i would of made it this far in my life if it wasnt for certain people in my life. i have so many other thoughts and emotions going through my head and heart right now but i think ill end it there. dont want to bore ya'll too much.