Soul Searching....

Its been a while since ive last written a blog and due to the rainy day and a mind that wont stop thinking, i figured today would be a good day to write one. lately for me, ive been trying to step back and take a look at my life and have been re-evaluating things. its been a process that has been good so far but at the same time is not even close to being over. even though the process has been going well, at the same times its never easy to hold yourself underneath a magnifying glass. you see things up close that you werent able to see from far away. and at times the small things that i am starting to see have caused me to question who the real james rogers is. the real james that only GOD can see. now does this mean that i have been being fake or what not? hell no! if anyone knows me then you know what u see is what you get. i dont hide much. but when i refer to the real james and stuff, im talking about the motives of my heart and actions. for example, i say i live for Christ but what proves that. i dont think its possible to live for Christ only inwardly. so ive been examining my actions. are they matching up with my heart's desires. and also at the same time are my words a reflection of my actions and my heart. for example, in certain situations i know what the right thing to do in my heart is but for some reason when i try to put that into action it comes out wrong and just causes strife. even though my intent was pure, i still came across in the wrong way. my heart's desire is to change lives for HIM and encourage people to find signifigance in their life. but yet at times i seem to do nothing but cause pain and strife to their life. yes i know this is not true in all cases, but its those specific cases that stick out in my head more than others.... i truly believe that actions are a reflection of one's heart and for the most part words just get in the way. i can talk a good talk but im tired of just talking. im tired of having good ideas in my head and heart and doing nothing about them. i dont want people to just hear my words. i want people to see the truth through my actions. sometimes i wish the world was deaf that way we couldnt deceive each other with our words that dont match up with our actions. that way people would have to look at our actions. but within that i would hope people would see my love for HIM first and foremost. i dont want people to say, "man, james really loves his wife(when that day comes) or man, james really loves his kids or friends" or whatever it may be. i would want them to say, "man, james really does love Christ". cause thats what matters the most. and i truly believe that if one truly lives his life for and with the love of Christ that it will filter down into every other area of their life. sometimes i ask myself, as a believer, can i truly love someone if i dont truly love Christ. then comes the next question, how do i know if i truly love HIM? and thats when i would say stop listening to me and start looking at me, at my actions. do i spend time with HIM? how much time? does my life refledt His love? all areas or just some? will i praise Him in the bad times along with the good? its easy to seek and praise Him when life is going perfect.... im just tired of my words telling the world one thing and my actions saying another. when both of those two things align up, ive seen GOD do amazing things in me and through me.... im tired of living my life and doing things without purpose. why do i do the things i do? whats the purpose behind everything i do?... so im seeking for the real purpose of why i live my life and the reason behind my actions. hopefully this blog can become reality instead of just words on a page... in time i will find out i guess, huh........