Where Are You....

I sit and play my guitar and the words and emotions sometimes just start to flow so smoothly. words that come out so perfectly one after another that only i can hear. i try to write them down but as soon as i grab my pen they are gone. so i put the pen down and start to play again and there they are. all fears of singing are put aside and i just let it all go. my heart becomes fully exposed in those moments to no one but myself and GOD. its crazy to hear myself sing about so many things. different emotions that i forgot about seem to come out as i sing. most of the emotions are not pleasant ones, but thats ok. sad songs always connect better with people than happy ones, or so it seems in today's world. so i think of songs of that perfect girl that ill never meet. or sing songs of the girl that i so freely gave my heart to out of ignorance to only have it handed back to me in worse shape than i gave it to her in. or the girl that only liked me behind closed doors. that told me how great i was but yet never wanted to commit to me. the one who just cut off all communication and pretended that i didnt even exist anymore. but in the long run i became thankful that she did what she did. then comes the one that just didnt work out. there is really no reason why it didnt work out, it just didnt. sometimes i wish that we werent created for relationships. i wish that being single was how it suppose to be for all of us. that we didnt need the companionship of another. wouldnt life be so much easier? the pain of being apart from someone sucks. the absence of their presence is somtimes too much for me. sometimes i wish i could just love without my heart. that way i wouldnt have to worry about it breaking again. but i feel that im on the verge of not having to worry about that anymore. this transitional time of my life is takin a tole on the heart of big game. i dont have much to offer people i feel. but one thing that i did have to offer is my heart. but unforunately i offered it to wrong people and now im afraid i dont know how much i have of it to offer anymore. i dont know what it means to guard my heart. and ive paid the price for it. and what is hard is that ive been told my whole life, how to live my life by my fellow christians. guard ur heart im told. let Jesus fill your void of loneliness. just read when ur looking for answers. and so on and so on. and yes, i agree with all of that. but no one can show me how to do that. they just tell me, do this, do that. but how the hell do u do those things. ive gone 24 years of my life trying to learn how to do those things. and i try. not all the time but i try. and guess what fellow believers, its easier said than done. so cut me some slack when i share my heart. im not losing hope or giving up, im just sharing. once u realize that im not crying out for help and that im just sharing my heart, maybe u will get the point of my blog.... one day ill find answers, and when i do ill share them with the world.