when I draw near, YOU always meet me....

I feel very humbled right now. My mind is trying to process all the words going through it. I'm not too sure whats next for me when it comes to life. I have an interview tomorrow with Grand Canyon and that makes me a little nervous. It gives birth to an idea of actually leaving CBU. And to be honest that scares me. But when it comes down to it I'm done trying to go against what GOD has for me. I'm tired of trying to force things or hold out on things that I personally want. You have never failed me LORD so I don't know why I always try to take over. Becauseevery time I try to I just end up looking like a fool.... They say fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I just hate the feeling of being played. It may not seem that's the case but as I begin to look back that's exactly what it is. Which I say is fine but in all actuality its not. The sad thing is that I don't even think any of this even matters in the grand scheme of things. Our lives are nothing but a mist that appears for a while then is gone. There are so many things that I could be proactively doing for the LORD but I choose to focus on myself and my life. Which brings me to why I am humbled. I cannot comprehend why the LORD would even care about me or my life. Who am I when it comes down to things? In comparison to Christ I am nothing and my life means nothing. I am a sinner who fails every single day who tries to walk the walk but always comes up short. And for some reason the LORD reaches down and picks me back up and tells me that it will be OK. That HIS strength is made perfect in my weaknesses. And I stand broken, not for the simple fact that I have been made a fool of but for the simple fact that I don't deserve the grace that is given to me. I have been blessed beyond anything I could ever ask for but yet I still choose to focus on the negative in my life. Funny how that always happens. I just want to be a good catch someday LORD for someone. The words people tell me are nice but I have heard those same words for so long now that I have become numb to them. I sincerely appreciate all the kind words but kind words only go so far to a def man. My eyes don't see so I cannot believe. But I'm am sure that one day I will believe. Ill be something worth more than just kind words. And when that day comes I will see a new side of the LORD that I haven't been able to see on my own. So until that day comes, ill continue to get knocked down and slowly get up and do my best to seek CHRIST in all situations that arise in my life. Its something that I am not very good at but I feel that I am getting enough practice in that field so hopefully it will soon click in my head. I am finding out what it is to truly trust in the LORD cause lately I have found out that I haven't been doing that completely. Sometimes you just have to let go, even when it hurts and trust that GOD is faithful to heal the broken. I may suck at it GOD but I am trying. Help me to truly trust in YOU with my life and heart.

Everybody loves a rose.... will you be thankful for the thorns???

So the week is finally over and I must say that I am quite glad. It has been a long, draining, emotional week for me. I feel empty right now and I'm looking forward to the weekend to refresh me. It always seems that my life is constantly changing. Moment by moment it seems as if something new arises in my life. Sometimes good things arise and sometimes not so good things. But overall GOD is still good when it comes to the different curve balls that are thrown into my life. As much as I want to complain or what not I am still forever in debt t the cross. I don't deserve the mercy and grace that stems from it but I am forever thankful for it...... as of right now though my thoughts are my own worst enemy. So many questions and so many decisions. I feel that I have come to a decision on some of my questions the only problem is I don't know if I can follow through with them. And whats even harder is that I cant even talk with you about a lot of this. I have the conversations over and over in my head but it serves no purpose because its not your words I hear, its my own. Sometimes life is just too complicated for me but then again maybe I make it that way. But the silence is defining right now. When will the silence stop? I don't really know what to believe anymore. Everything including the cries of my own heart seems like lies to me these days. How will I know when it is the Lord speaking to me and not the desires of my own, selfish heart? When do I need to go against my own heart and just walk away? So many questions but I feel like I'm not ready for answers even though I pretend to search..... SO as I strum my worn out guitar and as I look to the sky, I pray that the Lord would protect your heart. I pray that life would not be more complicated than it ought to be and that choices would be made in faith. One day your eyes will be opened to what is in front of you. It may not be perfect what you see but I feel like when you do finally see it that it will be too late.

where did i go wrong.....

This picture right here kind of describes how i feel right now. As of lately i have been real busy with coaching and with G.A. stuff and R.A. interviews and what not along with trying to get ready to lead and ISP to Utah. Now as these past three weeks come to an end life is starting to hit me. Things that i haven't wanted to deal with because i have been so busy are starting to plague my thoughts. And now with the fact of trying to find another job or should i say sending out my resumes to people, my heart is starting to way heavy with life's choices and questions. Part of me just wants to leave and go far away and start a new life but the other part of me is afraid to. The scared part just wants to stay here because i already have a good base of friends and i wouldn't have to invest so much time and energy into getting to know new people. My heart is torn. Too many choices, too many questions, too many unknowns that scare me. Part of me just wants to make certain choices and run with them but it seems that I'm waiting for others to make choices before i make mine. I don't know. So many things to say but I'm just too afraid to say them. Maybe one day ill get the courage to take a chance on things but by the time that happens my chance may be gone but if that's the way it has to go then so be it i guess. And the story goes on....

Give it up one time for Coach James....

So its about that time again. Its been about 8 years now but high school boys volleyball is once again a big part of my life. This time though I'm on the other side. The Man With Wings is now a Jr. Varsity boys volleyball coach for Corona High School! And I must say, I'm pretty excited to see how the season goes. The guys that I coach are great. It makes me laugh because i use to act like a lot of them when i was their age which is kind of scary. Its neat though to see how far I've come. But just the opportunity to invest into young guys and to impart the volleyball knowledge that i have learned throughout my years is exciting to me. Whats funny though is that i think my mom is a bit more excited than me about this whole coaching job. She is so happy for me which i think is great. But life as a coach is so much different than as a player. The things i took for grant it as a player from my coaches are now things and respect even that much more about them. We have our first scrimmage this upcoming Monday and then our first game on that following Wednesday. And whats cool about that is that i get to coach my j.v. team along with the varsity team because the varsity head coach will be out of town. So hopefully Coach James can pull out a victory in his first two big matches! If not though its all good. My main objective is to not just win but to help the guys to have fun and to learn the game of volleyball. Its more important to me for them to experience those two things than rather to just win. But I imagine as they start to pick up the things that i am teaching them that it might lead to some victories which will be neat. But only time will tell. All i know is that being a coach is a lot of long hours and a lot of soar shoulders, well at least for a volleyball coach. I have taken a swing more at a ball these past two weeks than i think i have my whole volleyball career! But its all good, hopefully it will help me to get back into shape. So look out Inland Empire, the Cowboy Kevin Donavan and Big Game James are taken over!

If you want to destroy my sweater....

So its Monday night and I'm spent. This past weekend I spent roughing it here at cbu going through isp training. I enjoyed the weekend but it was very tiring. But as i look back at it it makes me truly thankful to have the people that i do on my team along with my co-leader. Our team is very unique and different in our own ways but our heart for people is the same and our attitude to serve creates a special dynamic which warms my heart. And at times, even though i am one of their leaders i feel that some of them should be leading me. They each have so much to offer and so much to teach me which is neat. And the crazy part is that they probably don't even realize it. But all in all I'm excited to go to Utah this upcoming spring break with all of them. After this weekend my excitement to go to Utah has doubled. I'm excited to meet new people and I'm also excited to put myself out there and be bold for Christ. Its something that i have been learning a lot about lately. I should not be ashamed of the Gospel or afraid to share it but when it comes down to it I'm afraid to. I let the fact of how people react to me get in the way of actually verbally sharing the Gospel to those that i come in contact with who need to hear it. I'm afraid they wont think I'm cool or wont want to be my friend which is not a valid reason to not share the one thing that they need the most. So as i begin to examine my motives to not share the Gospel and realize that I'm in the wrong it makes me excited to just go and share it with the people of Utah. Some may reject me and some may not be happy with me but it doesn't matter. I'm commanded to share so that's what ill do and ill do my best to not let myself get in the way. I should never be ashamed of the Gospel and from now on i will make the conscious effort to never let it happen again. Cause i know my actions and my motives behind what i do and I'm tired of saying the right things, i want to start doing the right things and apply Truth to my actions!

Rocket Man....

So all of my friends that have blog sites like to post pictures so here is me attempting to be like them. This is a pic of me and one of my closest friends, Ronald Wayne McGee Jr. So heres to you Big Ron! May the memories from the big bang last forever along with the many sleepless nights at cbu while making prank phone calls along with playing tetris til the wee hours in the morning! Holla Back!

The change has to first start in me....

Right now for some reason I feel overwhelmed with different emotions. Today church was really good and I feel more and more that Sandals is the place the Lord wants me to be. Then tonight I met with my accountability group and we just talked life and Jesus for 2 hours and it felt really good. It was extremely challenging but yet very refreshing at the same time. I feel that the Lord is doing big things here at CBU in the lives of the people here on campus as well as in myself. A desire to share Christ with people is starting to burn deep into my soul it feels. Yet the sin that so easily entangles me keeps trying to hold me back. But I wont let simple stupid mistakes hold me back. My prayer right now though is that I would learn what it is to truly be BOLD for Jesus Christ. To learn what it is to live a life where I stop worrying about what man will think but will boldly proclaim the Gospel to those who need to hear it. I have spent the last 25 years of my life afraid to share with others about what I believe and the time has come to change that. Sure, I could go overseas for a month and flip the light switch on and share without fear but I want it to be more than that. I want it to be a life style, not just a mission trip. If I cant share Jesus Christ here, to CBU, to the community of Riverside, how in the heck will I be able to share there(wherever there may be)? The only way to make a change in the world for the sake of Christ is to first make the change with in my own life. So with the help of my brothers in Christ I will attempt to live a bold life style for the Author and Creator of life. So help me Lord to equip myself with the tools that I need for this journey. Give me the words and the eyes and heart to see others as You do.