when I draw near, YOU always meet me....

I feel very humbled right now. My mind is trying to process all the words going through it. I'm not too sure whats next for me when it comes to life. I have an interview tomorrow with Grand Canyon and that makes me a little nervous. It gives birth to an idea of actually leaving CBU. And to be honest that scares me. But when it comes down to it I'm done trying to go against what GOD has for me. I'm tired of trying to force things or hold out on things that I personally want. You have never failed me LORD so I don't know why I always try to take over. Becauseevery time I try to I just end up looking like a fool.... They say fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I just hate the feeling of being played. It may not seem that's the case but as I begin to look back that's exactly what it is. Which I say is fine but in all actuality its not. The sad thing is that I don't even think any of this even matters in the grand scheme of things. Our lives are nothing but a mist that appears for a while then is gone. There are so many things that I could be proactively doing for the LORD but I choose to focus on myself and my life. Which brings me to why I am humbled. I cannot comprehend why the LORD would even care about me or my life. Who am I when it comes down to things? In comparison to Christ I am nothing and my life means nothing. I am a sinner who fails every single day who tries to walk the walk but always comes up short. And for some reason the LORD reaches down and picks me back up and tells me that it will be OK. That HIS strength is made perfect in my weaknesses. And I stand broken, not for the simple fact that I have been made a fool of but for the simple fact that I don't deserve the grace that is given to me. I have been blessed beyond anything I could ever ask for but yet I still choose to focus on the negative in my life. Funny how that always happens. I just want to be a good catch someday LORD for someone. The words people tell me are nice but I have heard those same words for so long now that I have become numb to them. I sincerely appreciate all the kind words but kind words only go so far to a def man. My eyes don't see so I cannot believe. But I'm am sure that one day I will believe. Ill be something worth more than just kind words. And when that day comes I will see a new side of the LORD that I haven't been able to see on my own. So until that day comes, ill continue to get knocked down and slowly get up and do my best to seek CHRIST in all situations that arise in my life. Its something that I am not very good at but I feel that I am getting enough practice in that field so hopefully it will soon click in my head. I am finding out what it is to truly trust in the LORD cause lately I have found out that I haven't been doing that completely. Sometimes you just have to let go, even when it hurts and trust that GOD is faithful to heal the broken. I may suck at it GOD but I am trying. Help me to truly trust in YOU with my life and heart.