here I am, humbled by the love that You give... forgiven so that I can forgive...

So one thing that I have had been blessed with lately is the opportunity to lead worship both here at CBU with In His Image Week and in Utah at the Salt Lake City Rescue Mission and a local High School in Ogden. It was about 7 years ago when I first picked up a guitar. It was an instrument that I always loved because when I was little my Dad use to play it for me whenever I was back in Indiana. So as I stuck with the guitar these past 7 years I began to slowly get better through a lot of practice and playing with really good people. Then eventually I was able to put my gift of playing guitar to good use and started leading worship here and there. I think the first time I actually got to lead a worship time was up at Pine Summit. But back then I was really nervous to play and sing in front of people so most of the time I would play and I would have my best bud Steven sing. Eventually though it started to eat at me when it came to the reason why I was afraid to sing while leading worship. I use to be really self conscious of how I sounded and how other people would view me by my singing. But eventually the Lord convicted my heart and it hit me hard that it doesn't matter how I sound to other people. Worshiping is so much more than a nice voice. And finally I realized that. So with all that being said the Lord started to open up doors for me to lead worship and for once in my life I actually walked through those doors and I am so glad I did. My ability to lead worship is truly a gift from God and who am I to not glorify Him in return with that gift. And in Utah I was blessed to lead worship for a group of homeless men at the Rescue Mission. And to hear those men worship the same God that I do was amazing. My heart was truly touched by hearing their voices sing to the King. Amazing Grace never sounded so good as it did that day from the lips of those people. And to think that I would of never had that chance to hear those men sing if I allowed myself and own fears to get in the way. I learned a lot in Utah about not letting myself get in the way of what God was going to do. So praise be to the Maker of Heaven and Earth and don't worry Josh, we haven't forgotten about you man. Keep fighting the good fight bro!

a thousand times I've failed, still Your mercy remains...

So yesterday I arrived back in good ol Riverside from my ten day trip to Utah. I have so many thoughts and feelings when it comes to my time spent in Utah that one blog would not do my experience there justice. So ill just write a little bit here and there to give the scoop of what went on while there. We spent most of our time in Ogden, Utah which is a nice little town just north of Salt Lake City. It was a nice change of scenery for me and it felt nice to have that small town feeling once again. The pace of life out there in Utah is way slow in comparison to Cali and I loved it. But with all that being said the vibe of being a Christian in a dominant LDS area was quite an experience. Even though our trip was in America, the feeling of not being wanted around was very evident to me as well as the rest of my team. I have never really felt like a foreigner before in my own country but in Utah I did. Which is kind of weird. But overall is was neat to see what God was doing in Utah through the believers there. I was able to see authentic, faithful believers which weren't afraid to share the Good News with anyone who wanted to hear, especially the Mormon believers. I was highly impressed and encouraged by them. And within that I was challenged to go out and share the Gospel with those who were in need of it, which seemed like everyone I came in contact with. Here in America I think we forget to constantly be sharing the Good News that we know. For some odd reason we only want to share Christ with those over seas. But I learned that people here in America are just as lost as the rest of the world. And in Utah the deception and lies that have been told to these people sadden my heart. My eyes were opened to what the LDS church actually stands for and how it works. And my heart was broken for the LDS believers. This hit me the hardest when we traveled to BYU for the day. 30 thousand people, following a false GOD and false Jesus. Their eyes and heart completely blinded by the church. The campus itself was beautiful but the reality is that eternal damnation was walking around that campus and it took away from its beauty. But that's how the LDS church is. All outside beauty. Their buildings are amazing, their communities are very nice but inside they are all empty and there is no beauty. And that's why its so important to constantly be sharing Christ with all who will hear. The LDS people are not horrible people they are just deceived and the love of the true Jesus Christ will hopefully open their eyes and hearts to the real Truth! So hopefully my team and I were able to show just of glimpse of who the real GOD is and His everlasting love. If one person was moved by that, then our trip was well worth it!

when I draw near, YOU always meet me....

I feel very humbled right now. My mind is trying to process all the words going through it. I'm not too sure whats next for me when it comes to life. I have an interview tomorrow with Grand Canyon and that makes me a little nervous. It gives birth to an idea of actually leaving CBU. And to be honest that scares me. But when it comes down to it I'm done trying to go against what GOD has for me. I'm tired of trying to force things or hold out on things that I personally want. You have never failed me LORD so I don't know why I always try to take over. Becauseevery time I try to I just end up looking like a fool.... They say fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I just hate the feeling of being played. It may not seem that's the case but as I begin to look back that's exactly what it is. Which I say is fine but in all actuality its not. The sad thing is that I don't even think any of this even matters in the grand scheme of things. Our lives are nothing but a mist that appears for a while then is gone. There are so many things that I could be proactively doing for the LORD but I choose to focus on myself and my life. Which brings me to why I am humbled. I cannot comprehend why the LORD would even care about me or my life. Who am I when it comes down to things? In comparison to Christ I am nothing and my life means nothing. I am a sinner who fails every single day who tries to walk the walk but always comes up short. And for some reason the LORD reaches down and picks me back up and tells me that it will be OK. That HIS strength is made perfect in my weaknesses. And I stand broken, not for the simple fact that I have been made a fool of but for the simple fact that I don't deserve the grace that is given to me. I have been blessed beyond anything I could ever ask for but yet I still choose to focus on the negative in my life. Funny how that always happens. I just want to be a good catch someday LORD for someone. The words people tell me are nice but I have heard those same words for so long now that I have become numb to them. I sincerely appreciate all the kind words but kind words only go so far to a def man. My eyes don't see so I cannot believe. But I'm am sure that one day I will believe. Ill be something worth more than just kind words. And when that day comes I will see a new side of the LORD that I haven't been able to see on my own. So until that day comes, ill continue to get knocked down and slowly get up and do my best to seek CHRIST in all situations that arise in my life. Its something that I am not very good at but I feel that I am getting enough practice in that field so hopefully it will soon click in my head. I am finding out what it is to truly trust in the LORD cause lately I have found out that I haven't been doing that completely. Sometimes you just have to let go, even when it hurts and trust that GOD is faithful to heal the broken. I may suck at it GOD but I am trying. Help me to truly trust in YOU with my life and heart.

Everybody loves a rose.... will you be thankful for the thorns???

So the week is finally over and I must say that I am quite glad. It has been a long, draining, emotional week for me. I feel empty right now and I'm looking forward to the weekend to refresh me. It always seems that my life is constantly changing. Moment by moment it seems as if something new arises in my life. Sometimes good things arise and sometimes not so good things. But overall GOD is still good when it comes to the different curve balls that are thrown into my life. As much as I want to complain or what not I am still forever in debt t the cross. I don't deserve the mercy and grace that stems from it but I am forever thankful for it...... as of right now though my thoughts are my own worst enemy. So many questions and so many decisions. I feel that I have come to a decision on some of my questions the only problem is I don't know if I can follow through with them. And whats even harder is that I cant even talk with you about a lot of this. I have the conversations over and over in my head but it serves no purpose because its not your words I hear, its my own. Sometimes life is just too complicated for me but then again maybe I make it that way. But the silence is defining right now. When will the silence stop? I don't really know what to believe anymore. Everything including the cries of my own heart seems like lies to me these days. How will I know when it is the Lord speaking to me and not the desires of my own, selfish heart? When do I need to go against my own heart and just walk away? So many questions but I feel like I'm not ready for answers even though I pretend to search..... SO as I strum my worn out guitar and as I look to the sky, I pray that the Lord would protect your heart. I pray that life would not be more complicated than it ought to be and that choices would be made in faith. One day your eyes will be opened to what is in front of you. It may not be perfect what you see but I feel like when you do finally see it that it will be too late.

where did i go wrong.....

This picture right here kind of describes how i feel right now. As of lately i have been real busy with coaching and with G.A. stuff and R.A. interviews and what not along with trying to get ready to lead and ISP to Utah. Now as these past three weeks come to an end life is starting to hit me. Things that i haven't wanted to deal with because i have been so busy are starting to plague my thoughts. And now with the fact of trying to find another job or should i say sending out my resumes to people, my heart is starting to way heavy with life's choices and questions. Part of me just wants to leave and go far away and start a new life but the other part of me is afraid to. The scared part just wants to stay here because i already have a good base of friends and i wouldn't have to invest so much time and energy into getting to know new people. My heart is torn. Too many choices, too many questions, too many unknowns that scare me. Part of me just wants to make certain choices and run with them but it seems that I'm waiting for others to make choices before i make mine. I don't know. So many things to say but I'm just too afraid to say them. Maybe one day ill get the courage to take a chance on things but by the time that happens my chance may be gone but if that's the way it has to go then so be it i guess. And the story goes on....