NRA....

So its pretty late right now and I should be in bed but i am staying up to write a quick post about my RA staff here at Canyon. I just got back from California tonight visiting my amazing girlfriend, her family and friends and as my car to pick me up pulls up I see my GA Sarah and my two RA's Jenny and Tiffany. And just when I thought the welcoming committee couldn't get any funner, out of the trunk pops my RA Jake! I'm not gonna lie, I did jump but that's besides the point.
It was about 7 or 8 months ago when this group of people found out that they were getting a new boss. I know for them it was a bummer to see Ronnie go, the guy they wanted to work for. So I am sure they were skeptical of who would follow after him and with good cause. And then I ended up getting the job to follow after Big Ron and new friendships were born. I have never felt so at home with a group of people so quickly before. They made me feel accepted so quickly and made my transition to Canyon a whole lot easier. The way they treated Ruth when they met her. Class act! And now that the semester is over, they have gotten to know who I am and visa versa. And I must say that I am extremely thankful to know each one of them. They have each touched my life in a different way and I couldn't have asked for a better staff this year. At times I feel bad for them having to put up with me, especially my GA Sarah... bless her heart. They all sit through the nose blowin, loogy spittin, fun filled meetings each week. : ) God is good and the people that he brought together to serve in NRA is perfect. I am excited to see where GOD leads each of these individuals as they pursue HIS will. My prayer is that GOD would use each of them to change this world that we live in for HIS name sake. That they would live life in a way that gives hope to all who see. That they would continue to model the life of Christ to their fellow classmates here at GCU. You guys are great and this year wouldn't of been the same without you Jake, Christy, Jenny, Tiffany, Kate, Mackenzie, Jerad, Kris, Christina and of course my wonderful GA Sarah. May GOD reveal himself to each of you in a new way!

I'm still here...

It has been a very long time since I have last blogged, mainly its because my life has been very fast paced and hectic but in a good way for once. Life out in Arizona is going really well. My job is great, the people I work with are fantastic, my RA's rule and my GA is pretty cool too. I started my Masters about a month ago now and that definitely takes up some of my free time. I don't really like school but this is an opportunity that GOD has given me so I am trying to take advantage of it. My first class is a 600 level class called Business Ethics. And so far for me it has been very challenging. It is my first business class ever and its all on line so it challenges me in many ways. But I like the class a lot, I just hope I pass it : )
With all that being said and going on in my life still comes one of the most important things in my life, my relationship with Ruth. Things are going very well for us. I just got back from Texas with her and her family and had a great time. The struggle of long distance challenges us both at times and at times have not been fun but GOD has been good. We are continuing to learn more and more about each other and are level of communication continues to grow.
So all in all things are going very well. Soon it will be Christmas break and I'll be back in Cali for a bit. Hopefully that will allow time to reflect back on the year and whats ahead of me.
But I read a friends blog the other day and it was a great post about getting back to the basics . And for a simple guy like me it really hit home. The only thing that didn't sit well was the thought of "living simply". It made me think about Christ and His life and it made me wonder what this life of faith would be like if He had lived this life simply. I don't know if I am taking all of this out of context of what my friend meant but I don't feel that we are called to live simply but more radically! And I don't mean that in a crazy, destructive way. I mean it in a way that was the same as the way Christ lived. To live in a way that was bold and went against the grain of the culture of that day. To be a vibrant light for Christ in such a dark world. Living simply may make our life a bit easier but it won't change this world for HIS name.
His burden is easy and HIS yoke is light. May we follow Christ in a way that is truly glorifying to HIM and figure out what it truly means to have Joy in HIS calling. It may not always be easy following Christ in the world that we live in today but there is always joy in the Lord and we should live this life filled with it!

... the fullness of, Your grace is here with me...

Well its been a long week and finally life is starting to slow down a bit. Its hard when life gets hectic. At times I feel it brings out the not so good in me. I tend to get more irritable and tend to take it out on those who I care about the most. Thankfully though people are forgiving and understand and are willing to look past the rough seasons which makes the good seasons that much better. I'm still adjusting to the transition out here in Phoenix. Thanks are going really good out here but its still an adjustment. But I am extremely thankful for the people I work with. They are great and they have helped out so much with this transitional time in my life. God is definitely good! God is still good even in the bad seasons of my life. That is one thing that I am starting to realize and grasp finally. I am thankful for the good and the bad seasons in my life because they promote growth and my true character is tested in the fire. But one person that I am most thankful for is Ruth. Through the good the bad and the ugly she still stands by my side. She allows me to be me. I am not condemned by her for my past and I am not forced to live a perfect life in the future by her. She accepts my faults and is willing to work through them with me which says a lot about the women she is. I'm not perfect and I never have been and never will be. At times though I feel pressured by the world and people to lead a perfect life. To make all the right choices when it comes to Ruth and I or when it comes to my everyday life. Unfortunately I wont make all the right decisions and will fall on my face but thankfully I serve a GOD who doesn't judge me by only my bad choices. Thankfully I serve a GOD who exercises Mercy and Grace to me daily which is something that is hard for me to wrap my mind around because I tend to do the opposite. But I wont listen to the world and their hateful words. As the Father loved the Son, Jesus loves us and in that love I will find peace and rest. His yoke is easy and His burden is light and with that I will stop trying to earn His love and Grace. I will attempt to live in and through that Love that He gives. Just another reason I appreciate Ruth so much. She models that unconditional love so well to those in her life. No matter what is said about her, no matter how undeserving people are of her generosity, she freely gives and doesn't ask for anything in return. Thanks for being an example Hooch of what Christ lived out here on earth and may we all strive together to be more like Him!

... a glimpse into the depths...

So I'm in Phoenix, away from those who I most care about and I must say,that at times, its very hard. Change is always hard it seems. Sometimes change is very necessary but that doesn't mean that its not hard sometimes. I'm having trouble adjusting here a bit. I mean, I love the people that are here and that I work with. I think that they are great and I respect them all very much. But its still difficult to get use to the fact that this is my new home. And that these new wonderful people are my family. The biggest change though deals with my relationship with Ruth. Its not easy going from seeing each other everyday to not being able to see each other or being blessed enough to see her face to face. We have managed to work something out that allows to each see each other but its still not the same. I cant smell what perfume she is wearing which all her perfumes smell amazing. I cant reach over and hold her hand. I cant walk up to her and give her a big hug which I love to do. Also its hard when it comes to communicating. Either everyday talk, feelings deep within, or daily struggles. We are now forced to talk on the phone which sucks cause neither of us is phone people. But now silence is perceived as something is wrong to where as before is was OK, cause we could still see each other. Its not always easy to keep the conversation going. Its not always easy to communicate feelings that don't make sense. Its not always easy trying to be honest with each other about what we are feeling. But none the less, we are both up for the challenge. Its not always going to be easy and so far it all hasn't been bliss but its been good. We have been able to have amazing conversations that have penetrated the depths of who we are as people which has been refreshing. Yes this long distance thing isn't always easy but I'm learning to deal with it. This is just a little glimpse of what has been on my heart. But keep one thing clear, I am truly blessed by GOD with all of this and will be grateful for it when I look back on it. And I think Ruth would say the same. Continue to work on our hearts GOD and shape us into the people YOU want us to be.

no clever title for this one...

So it's been a while since I have last posted. I've been a bit busy hanging out with Ruth. The time has almost come for me to head out to AZ so any time that I get to spend with her is taken advantage of since I wont be able to see her whenever I want coming up shortly. But that's all another blog. Ruth and I got to go to Vegas to visit the family and the time spent in the desert was a lot of fun. Very hot but at the same time very fun. The week seemed to go by in a matter of seconds. And that leads me to today where the days still seem to fly by in the blink of an eye. ... Tonight though I feel like taking my blog in a different direction. Not that what I write about is not important but I wanted to write about more applicable thoughts that I go through in my mind to y'all. And today Ill just talk about what I heard in church today.

Today the main topic of the speakers talk was "Integrity" and "Giving to God what is His". The speaker did a very good job conveying the message and it made me think a lot about my life. Ruth's dad gave me the analogy of integrity using a banana. Sounds weird but it was a good analogy. He proceeded to tell me that on the outside of the banana you have a peel and through just looking at that peel you automatically assume that there is a banana inside. And sure enough when he opened it up there was a banana inside. He related this to us as humans dealing with our "outsides" and our "insides". He told me that integrity was when someones outside accurately portrayed their inside, just like the banana. I thought the analogy was great and then I began to examine my life to see if that was true for me. I feel that most of the time they both match up, not always perfectly but at least for the most part. But sometimes its hard because we all have our own issues that we deal with internally. It makes me ask the question that because we all have our own struggles and issues does that mean we don't obtain integrity? Its not that we broadcast our issues to everyone but we definitely try to not let them show. So all in all I ask myself am I a man of integrity. I want to say yes but being my own worst critic I guess I would have to say not always. That's why I have so much respect for Ruth. I have never seen integrity modeled so well before in my life. Her inner self matches her outer self so well that it amazes me. So now for me it all comes down to is what am I willing to do to become a consistent man of integrity. It all starts with God so that's where I'll go first. So for the babbling, just random thoughts that went through my head today. Its not all worked out but that's just a glimpse into my mind.

... so i'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned...

So its been a while since I last wrote on this blog so here goes. Life has been pretty slow as of lately. Now that my job here at CBU is officially done there isn't much for me to do around here. The one person that I really want to spend time with the most before I take off to AZ is half way around the world right now co-leading a great group of students serving the Lord. Soon she will be back and when she is I'm sure that the time will fly by cause that's what seems to happen when we are together. And of course when we are apart time goes by slower than ever. But what can I do ya know.

But overall things have been going really well. I got to go to Minnesota and be with great people. I had a lot of fun reconnecting with old friends and hanging out with current friends. Its always a refreshing time for me when I get to hang out with old friends. I don't get to hang out with them much anymore these days but when I get back together with them its great.

I cant wait for this month to be over though cause that means its closer to the time when Ruth and I get to go out to Vegas. I'm really looking forward to heading back home and Ruth getting to know my family. I think that's what makes this time apart seem like forever cause I'm so excited to just go back home. But one day at a time. Soon her and I will be hanging out with my family and that excites me. So until then...

...Well I would walk around the earth, To have another chance with you...

Another late night and I find myself here by my computer so I felt like writing a blog. School is for sure out for the summer and the dorms I live in are DEAD! The only sign of life is when the Admissions Counselors from our school come down my hall and key into my room trying to show new students what the dorms look like. Even though they always key in and come to realize that its my apartment, it seems that as soon as they shut the door they forget what just happened cause the next day they do the same freakin thing! But whatever, just a part of livin in the dorms.
Overall my week has been good, very slow but good. Surprisingly doing some GA work by helping out with interviews and what not for the GA staff for next year. Hooch is gone for the week on a cruise to Mexico with all her friends livin the life and catchin some rays while the rest of us are stuck here in Riverside. Sometimes life doesn't seem fair! haha. Even though she is only gone for a week it seems like forever. Nothing to get suicidal over but definitely not fun being away from her. Normally the phone would fill the distance gap but for some odd reason cell phones don't work out in the open ocean! But any who, she comes back on Friday so I'm pretty stoked about that. It's been a long time coming it seems for Ruth and I and now that its here it seems that we are both busy with going on trips. Not a bad thing at all but when you experience someone as great as her, all you want to do is be around her. So the weekend will be nice then starting on Monday it will be no so nice til the end of June. So ill be sure not to take my time for grant it with you Hooch so hurry up and get back!

... if I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world...

I feel the need to just write but I'm not too sure what words to say. Life this past month and a half has been amazing. I feel and see Gods blessings so much these days. I've been blessed with a job as an RD at GCU, I have been blessed with amazing friends, a great family as in my mom and sis and them and have been extremely blessed with an amazing girlfriend! I feel as if right now that GOD has opened my eyes up to see the world in such a new way. I feel that He has broken through some of the layers in my soul and has revived it in a very special way. I feel like He has been really working on my mind and heart this past school year. I have seen a lot of who I am from my past and how I let the past still affects me to this day. I was able to share with Ruth a little bit tonight about my dad and my life without him and stuff and through talking to her it finally kind of hit me that I'm not the man my dad is. That I'm not even going in that same direction. For most of my life I have been afraid that I would reflect his life with mine. And finally 26 years later it hit me personally for the first time, that I'm James Rogers not Jay Rogers. I'm my own person and I owe it all to Jesus Christ. Its because of Christ that I can hold my head up proudly and trust in the fact the love that comes from Him is unconditional and perfect! And He showers that love over me everyday in spite of all my imperfections. I still have a hard time of understanding why He would do that but I think its because I don't fully understand what it is to love unconditionally. But what I do know is that God is amazing and that He creates amazing people and puts them in our lives at the perfect times! And as I drove home tonight reflecting on my life and where I have been and where I am going I am thankful for the Lord putting you in my life. Thanks for fighting my fears for me without even knowing it! My heart is at peace when I am with you and feels safe when it thinks about you. Thanks for being you!

... I keep a close watch on this heart of mine...

So much to say but words could never do justice about the one that the Lord has blessed me with. Its been a long time coming but finally a sincere commitment has been made on my end and hers. My fears of having a girlfriend once again, have vanished and the excitement of where this journey will go has set in. And whats even more exciting is that close friends and family are on board as well as we start off down this path. I have no idea what the future holds for us and wont make any empty promises of how it will all end up. But what I do know is that my heart smiles each time its in your presence and that your company is truly appreciated. There is so much more I could say but I'll keep it short for now. Thanks for being you Ruth and don't ever stop smiling! Gods got big plans for you and I'm thankful that at least for this season of your life that I get to be apart of that! Never give up on your dreams and the passions of your heart. With people like you on the this earth there is hope that this world can become a better place. Continue to show the love of Christ to all those you come in contact with and never forget who you are in Him! That's all for now.. see ya soon! : )

...forget the past and focus on the man that you want to become...

So I'll start off with the pic. Why did I pic this picture to put? And my answer is," Why not"! This pic makes me laugh so I felt like being random and putting up a picture that has nothing to do with this blog!

Any who. Schools out for the summer and its boring as heck here at CBU! I need to get a job asap and make some green that way i cant eat for the next few months! And if I can make enough maybe I can go on a date or two here before I take off to the AZ! Eventually I should probably start going through my apartment and getting rid of stuff that I don't need. I'm such a pack rat and I keep EVERYTHING cause I'm crazy like that. But all in all it would probably be a good move on my part to start going through my crap and consolidating. I think once I start doing that and going through my stuff and start boxin some stuff up the reality of me leaving will hit. As of right now my mind knows I'm about to leave but it just doest seem real yet. But I'm sure reality will hit really hard when I'm stripped of the privilege of seeing you everyday. I'm not excited about the separation but there's not much I can do about it at this point but embrace it. Physical separation though wont cause my mind to separate from the thoughts of you. You may be out of sight but definitely will not be out of mind! Africa will be a big test but its a test that I believe we'll pass with flying colors! So until next time, enjoy the pic! : )

...gvie me the beat boys and free my soul, I wanna get lost in your rock and roll...

Well here I am again. I am trying to be a faithful blogger but I must admit its quite hard to keep this thing up to date everyday. But whatever. School is boring as all get out now that everyone is gone. And the friends that are still here have lives and jobs and what not and are busy all day which is cool ya know. I cant be mad at my friends for gettin paid ya know! So today I mainly just sad around all day. Went to Harvest's Bookstore with Lucas, had dinner with Brad, helped Hooch pack up some of her apt., got to meet Cooper's man, re-strung my guitar, checked out Timmy from the dorms. As you can see over-all my day was pretty eventful : P. So I guess I have a lot to look forward to this month! But I did get to hang out with you tonight which made my day well worth it! I like the fact that we are on the same page with things. It makes my heart smile which feels weird cause it feels like forever since it has last done that genuinely. The future still is a bit unknown but that's OK, cause we don't live in the future, we live in the present! So I'll continue to seek GOD in all of this and pray the His guiding hand is apart of all of this.

... round here, we always stand up straight.. round here, something radiates...

Well its late Monday night and I'm beat tired. Walking around all day in the hot sun is not very energizing but the one who I was walking around with in the hot sun all day made it worth it. Overall though it was a great day. For most of the day I felt like a little kid again not knowing how to act around you. Everything seems to be so new again that I'm not really too sure what to say or do. Anyways, why write all this in a blog when I can just say it to your face! : )

So for all my blog fans that actually read my crazy blogs, I must say that life is good. Confusing and a bit nerve racking but good! Taking leaps of faith in life is never an easy thing but when that faith is put completely in GOD its well worth the leap! It seems that the LORD has used this past year to help me establish my career and has provided my first RD job for me through GCU, which is very exciting. So as I look back at this year I don't see it as a waste, which is nice because that is the last thing I wanted to do with this year was waste it. But like I said before that GOD is good and He knows what He is doing! And now that my career seems to be a bit secured, or at least for 10 months it seems that I'm able to put some time and attention into other areas of my life that I've put on hold for a while. It just hard when your career is pulling you away from something so great ya know. But in situations like this they say you have to ask yourself this one question, " is the juice worth the squeeze"? And I know that from my end it definitely is! Also I know that the LORD has been faithful to establish a path for me in Res Life so I will continue to remain faithful that He will do the same in my personal life. The risk is definitely worth the reward my friend but it takes two to make a thing go right! So yes friends, life is going, a little bit different than planned but sometimes the unknown things in life are the most exciting. And as for the picture I put up, its not up there because of the ugly guy in it holding the guitar but its because of the one who took the pic. Peace easy!

... if I could be like that, I would give anything....

So I am actually writing a blog in the afternoon for once and I must admit that it feels kind of weird. But now that school is out there is not to much to do right now. This morning I helped give an interview for a Grad Assistant spot here at CBU. And now I'm just kind of waiting for lunch to hit so that I can go eat. Graduation is tomorrow and its a pretty exciting time for some of my friends. Graduating college is a big deal it seems like. We are told our whole lives that we are suppose to graduate high school and then go to college. But once you finally graduate college its like whats next! I mean, all you ever hear growing up is about college and how you're suppose to go. No one ever talks about what comes after. But also now days a college degree isn't good enough it seems. You have to go back for more schooling and get your Masters degree! It never ends it seems! But any who, I am proud of my friends that have endured the trials and bumps in the road here at school and finished the race. Be proud of your accomplishments. Graduating from college is a big deal!

And as for me it feels like life is changing by the day for me. Pretty soon I will out of California and in Arizona. The distance will grow from those I care about the most once again but for good reason. Hopefully the rest of my time spent here at CBU will be fun. I'm not too sure how my summer is going to look. It's going to be a pain in the butt trying to relocate my life once again. I'm not really fond of moving, ever! It's one of those things that bug me, kind of like laundry. I hate doing both!!! But GOD is good and even though I'm not sure about certain things I can always be certain of HIM, which is comforting! So until next time...

...selah... the LORD, is a warrior....I will not fear what man can do to me...

So its another late night and I should be in bed but I'm not really tired so here I am writing a blog! Exciting I know. Any who, today was my last day coaching my boys from Corona High School. I couldn't be prouder of the...se bunch of guys. They played their hearts out all season and because of their heart and effort they ended up with a great winning record. It was a sad day though telling the guys that I wouldn't be coming back next year. They were all a bit sad which makes it a bit harder to say goodbye from so. cal. Hopefully though I can come back and visit them next year and check out one of their games and surprise them. So mad props to my Corona Boys. You will always hold a special place in my heart. Be proud of yourselves!!!




So yesterday I ended up writing a new song. I think I'm going to call it "once again". Its not very easy sometimes for me to get my thoughts out onto paper when it comes to writing songs but every once in a while it seems to flow so well. That doesn't mean though that the song is any good but it is a glimpse into my mind and heart. Songs can be so powerful at times its kind of scary. They can either be pick me uppers or downers. Most of my songs aren't the most positive because I feel that people relate better to sad songs. But occasionally I try to throw in a happy song. I would say this song isn't necessarily a sad one but more of me sayin, hey, I'm an idiot! Any who, there is no real point to this blog basically but at least its not emo! Music and Volleyball, its a big part of my life so I thought I would share a bit with any who care to read this blog. So until then, peace easy!

...then 2 years later u were runnin late, but i knew u were worth the wait...

Well its about 1:30 or so in the morning and I'm bored out of my mind! I don't even really know what to write about right now but I feel like blogging. So school is almost out. One more week til graduation. Once that is over with its only a matter of time until my time here at CBU is done. Its a bitter sweet feeling for me to leave CBU. I'm excited to have a fresh start somewhere else. I'm excited for a school to see me for who I am now and not who I was 7 years ago. I have come along way in life, its just sad that certain people cant see that. Its all good though. There is a reason that I am being pulled away from this place. God knows what He is doing so I am not worried. It wont be fun though to leave the people here though at Cal Bap. Its like I'm saying goodbye to family almost! Which I hate doing! But sometimes you still just gotta go. I have made a lot of good friends here that I love and appreciate so much. I have been truly blessed to work with great people this year and have deepened friendships through Res Life that I will be forever thankful for! Part of me looks back on this year though and I wonder why I chose some of the paths I did with my life. I have been very thankful for this past year and I feel that I have grown a lot in life. I still think I suck at being a follower of Christ but part of me feels that I will feel that way for the rest of my life. But there are some paths that I chose to not walk down while I was here and to be honest I'm not too sure why. There were no warning signs at all. For some reason though I avoided the road. I think a big part of it was fear of where those roads would lead to and another part of me thinks its just because I'm a moron!!! But God is bigger than my moronic choices in life and hopefully in the end it will work out for the best. So who knows, I can always play the what if game but that will get me nowhere. One day I'll man up and just go for it as long as someone doesn't end up beating me to the punch! Only time will tell....

picture me rollin...

I must say that its the little things in life that make us the most happiest! And for me right now i just cant imagine my life with out these two things. Red Robin and my broke @$$ jeep!!! Either way you look at it, one of these two things are going to end up killing me one day! Which is a funny joke but at the same time, sadly its true. But any who. I will always love Red Robin, even though they got rid of mt. dew which highly infuriated me! And I will always love my jeep. I don't know how much longer my jeep will last but it has been nice while it has lasted it. A lot of cruises around Big Bear Lake I have taken in that beast. Along with requests from fellow friends that just want to ride in the dirt infested G ride! Ronnie's butt almost falling out of it as i flipped that B on the way to chapel back in the day! People putting food in my jeep my freshman year which enticed cats to come live in it! Ronnie pushing my jeep back to the mechanic two minutes after the mechanic just fixed it! Pushing that bad boy through the parking lot of Target trying to pop my clutch to start the damn thing! Ronnie blowin the "HO" train whistle in it on our way home back from chapel letting people know that it was us last night that just pranked you! So many pleasant memories in the jeep! So big ups for the beaten up jeep and to Rojo! Without you two in my life I don't know where I would be.

all for love the Savior prayed... though they know not what they do, let the CROSS draw man to YOU!

So I tried to add a picture to this blog but for some stupid reason it wont post the freakin picture! Yay for the stupid Internet that sometimes does what it wants you to but most of the time doesn't!!! But any who, on a lighter note, life is going pretty good right now I guess. No real major problems in my life and as of right now there is no drama lurking over my "exciting" life which is fabulous! With all that being said it kind of worries me. Life is never really this easy so to speak for me. Normally when things start to go smooth I kind of freak out cause that means something crazy is going to happen. So hopefully this time that wont be the case. All in all though I'm excited for what the future holds for me. Its going to be hard to say goodbye to CBU and the friends that I have made here over time and this year. I know I wont be saying goodbye forever but they wont be apart of my daily life any more and that will be a bummer. God is good though and the people I meet in Phoenix I'm sure will be just as great as the people I have met out here. I think the new surroundings will help me re-focus on things in life and what I want to do long term. I love it here at CBU but its all too familiar to me and that at times can be a hindrance. So hopefully the new surroundings will be a positive influence in my life. We will see though.
So these next few months I hope to use my time wisely here and not waist any energy on things that I don't need to be waisting energy on! Life is too short to be waisting time. There are too many people that I love and care about that my time and energy could be going towards. But sadly my passion for people causes me to focus so much on them that I forget to give my time to the One who died on the cross for me. That area is still a part of my life that I struggle with so much. I get too easily distracted and it bugs the crap out of me. I'm still seeking and praying Lord on how to truly seek after You. I think I get it all wrong cause I try to do just that without You. Weird how that works out. For some reason I keep trying to be the fire starter. I keep trying to be the one who makes this all come to life for me. But it seems that this will never become a reality for me cause my unfaithfulness pushes me away from You. I feel like I have trouble understanding Your Grace and what it truly means to me and my life. Plus I just suck at relationships with Father figures! I have never been good at it and because I lived most of this life without a dad then why would I need another. Its a sad reality but unfortunately its a true one for me. That's why its so hard for me I think. For 20 plus years I have had this mentality and its a hard one for me to break. But I have to but I cant do it on my own. That's where the prayer comes in but its a slow process. One day though Lord, I pray to see fruits of the process. Until then though Ill keep fighting!

here I am, humbled by the love that You give... forgiven so that I can forgive...

So one thing that I have had been blessed with lately is the opportunity to lead worship both here at CBU with In His Image Week and in Utah at the Salt Lake City Rescue Mission and a local High School in Ogden. It was about 7 years ago when I first picked up a guitar. It was an instrument that I always loved because when I was little my Dad use to play it for me whenever I was back in Indiana. So as I stuck with the guitar these past 7 years I began to slowly get better through a lot of practice and playing with really good people. Then eventually I was able to put my gift of playing guitar to good use and started leading worship here and there. I think the first time I actually got to lead a worship time was up at Pine Summit. But back then I was really nervous to play and sing in front of people so most of the time I would play and I would have my best bud Steven sing. Eventually though it started to eat at me when it came to the reason why I was afraid to sing while leading worship. I use to be really self conscious of how I sounded and how other people would view me by my singing. But eventually the Lord convicted my heart and it hit me hard that it doesn't matter how I sound to other people. Worshiping is so much more than a nice voice. And finally I realized that. So with all that being said the Lord started to open up doors for me to lead worship and for once in my life I actually walked through those doors and I am so glad I did. My ability to lead worship is truly a gift from God and who am I to not glorify Him in return with that gift. And in Utah I was blessed to lead worship for a group of homeless men at the Rescue Mission. And to hear those men worship the same God that I do was amazing. My heart was truly touched by hearing their voices sing to the King. Amazing Grace never sounded so good as it did that day from the lips of those people. And to think that I would of never had that chance to hear those men sing if I allowed myself and own fears to get in the way. I learned a lot in Utah about not letting myself get in the way of what God was going to do. So praise be to the Maker of Heaven and Earth and don't worry Josh, we haven't forgotten about you man. Keep fighting the good fight bro!

a thousand times I've failed, still Your mercy remains...

So yesterday I arrived back in good ol Riverside from my ten day trip to Utah. I have so many thoughts and feelings when it comes to my time spent in Utah that one blog would not do my experience there justice. So ill just write a little bit here and there to give the scoop of what went on while there. We spent most of our time in Ogden, Utah which is a nice little town just north of Salt Lake City. It was a nice change of scenery for me and it felt nice to have that small town feeling once again. The pace of life out there in Utah is way slow in comparison to Cali and I loved it. But with all that being said the vibe of being a Christian in a dominant LDS area was quite an experience. Even though our trip was in America, the feeling of not being wanted around was very evident to me as well as the rest of my team. I have never really felt like a foreigner before in my own country but in Utah I did. Which is kind of weird. But overall is was neat to see what God was doing in Utah through the believers there. I was able to see authentic, faithful believers which weren't afraid to share the Good News with anyone who wanted to hear, especially the Mormon believers. I was highly impressed and encouraged by them. And within that I was challenged to go out and share the Gospel with those who were in need of it, which seemed like everyone I came in contact with. Here in America I think we forget to constantly be sharing the Good News that we know. For some odd reason we only want to share Christ with those over seas. But I learned that people here in America are just as lost as the rest of the world. And in Utah the deception and lies that have been told to these people sadden my heart. My eyes were opened to what the LDS church actually stands for and how it works. And my heart was broken for the LDS believers. This hit me the hardest when we traveled to BYU for the day. 30 thousand people, following a false GOD and false Jesus. Their eyes and heart completely blinded by the church. The campus itself was beautiful but the reality is that eternal damnation was walking around that campus and it took away from its beauty. But that's how the LDS church is. All outside beauty. Their buildings are amazing, their communities are very nice but inside they are all empty and there is no beauty. And that's why its so important to constantly be sharing Christ with all who will hear. The LDS people are not horrible people they are just deceived and the love of the true Jesus Christ will hopefully open their eyes and hearts to the real Truth! So hopefully my team and I were able to show just of glimpse of who the real GOD is and His everlasting love. If one person was moved by that, then our trip was well worth it!

when I draw near, YOU always meet me....

I feel very humbled right now. My mind is trying to process all the words going through it. I'm not too sure whats next for me when it comes to life. I have an interview tomorrow with Grand Canyon and that makes me a little nervous. It gives birth to an idea of actually leaving CBU. And to be honest that scares me. But when it comes down to it I'm done trying to go against what GOD has for me. I'm tired of trying to force things or hold out on things that I personally want. You have never failed me LORD so I don't know why I always try to take over. Becauseevery time I try to I just end up looking like a fool.... They say fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I just hate the feeling of being played. It may not seem that's the case but as I begin to look back that's exactly what it is. Which I say is fine but in all actuality its not. The sad thing is that I don't even think any of this even matters in the grand scheme of things. Our lives are nothing but a mist that appears for a while then is gone. There are so many things that I could be proactively doing for the LORD but I choose to focus on myself and my life. Which brings me to why I am humbled. I cannot comprehend why the LORD would even care about me or my life. Who am I when it comes down to things? In comparison to Christ I am nothing and my life means nothing. I am a sinner who fails every single day who tries to walk the walk but always comes up short. And for some reason the LORD reaches down and picks me back up and tells me that it will be OK. That HIS strength is made perfect in my weaknesses. And I stand broken, not for the simple fact that I have been made a fool of but for the simple fact that I don't deserve the grace that is given to me. I have been blessed beyond anything I could ever ask for but yet I still choose to focus on the negative in my life. Funny how that always happens. I just want to be a good catch someday LORD for someone. The words people tell me are nice but I have heard those same words for so long now that I have become numb to them. I sincerely appreciate all the kind words but kind words only go so far to a def man. My eyes don't see so I cannot believe. But I'm am sure that one day I will believe. Ill be something worth more than just kind words. And when that day comes I will see a new side of the LORD that I haven't been able to see on my own. So until that day comes, ill continue to get knocked down and slowly get up and do my best to seek CHRIST in all situations that arise in my life. Its something that I am not very good at but I feel that I am getting enough practice in that field so hopefully it will soon click in my head. I am finding out what it is to truly trust in the LORD cause lately I have found out that I haven't been doing that completely. Sometimes you just have to let go, even when it hurts and trust that GOD is faithful to heal the broken. I may suck at it GOD but I am trying. Help me to truly trust in YOU with my life and heart.

Everybody loves a rose.... will you be thankful for the thorns???

So the week is finally over and I must say that I am quite glad. It has been a long, draining, emotional week for me. I feel empty right now and I'm looking forward to the weekend to refresh me. It always seems that my life is constantly changing. Moment by moment it seems as if something new arises in my life. Sometimes good things arise and sometimes not so good things. But overall GOD is still good when it comes to the different curve balls that are thrown into my life. As much as I want to complain or what not I am still forever in debt t the cross. I don't deserve the mercy and grace that stems from it but I am forever thankful for it...... as of right now though my thoughts are my own worst enemy. So many questions and so many decisions. I feel that I have come to a decision on some of my questions the only problem is I don't know if I can follow through with them. And whats even harder is that I cant even talk with you about a lot of this. I have the conversations over and over in my head but it serves no purpose because its not your words I hear, its my own. Sometimes life is just too complicated for me but then again maybe I make it that way. But the silence is defining right now. When will the silence stop? I don't really know what to believe anymore. Everything including the cries of my own heart seems like lies to me these days. How will I know when it is the Lord speaking to me and not the desires of my own, selfish heart? When do I need to go against my own heart and just walk away? So many questions but I feel like I'm not ready for answers even though I pretend to search..... SO as I strum my worn out guitar and as I look to the sky, I pray that the Lord would protect your heart. I pray that life would not be more complicated than it ought to be and that choices would be made in faith. One day your eyes will be opened to what is in front of you. It may not be perfect what you see but I feel like when you do finally see it that it will be too late.

where did i go wrong.....

This picture right here kind of describes how i feel right now. As of lately i have been real busy with coaching and with G.A. stuff and R.A. interviews and what not along with trying to get ready to lead and ISP to Utah. Now as these past three weeks come to an end life is starting to hit me. Things that i haven't wanted to deal with because i have been so busy are starting to plague my thoughts. And now with the fact of trying to find another job or should i say sending out my resumes to people, my heart is starting to way heavy with life's choices and questions. Part of me just wants to leave and go far away and start a new life but the other part of me is afraid to. The scared part just wants to stay here because i already have a good base of friends and i wouldn't have to invest so much time and energy into getting to know new people. My heart is torn. Too many choices, too many questions, too many unknowns that scare me. Part of me just wants to make certain choices and run with them but it seems that I'm waiting for others to make choices before i make mine. I don't know. So many things to say but I'm just too afraid to say them. Maybe one day ill get the courage to take a chance on things but by the time that happens my chance may be gone but if that's the way it has to go then so be it i guess. And the story goes on....

Give it up one time for Coach James....

So its about that time again. Its been about 8 years now but high school boys volleyball is once again a big part of my life. This time though I'm on the other side. The Man With Wings is now a Jr. Varsity boys volleyball coach for Corona High School! And I must say, I'm pretty excited to see how the season goes. The guys that I coach are great. It makes me laugh because i use to act like a lot of them when i was their age which is kind of scary. Its neat though to see how far I've come. But just the opportunity to invest into young guys and to impart the volleyball knowledge that i have learned throughout my years is exciting to me. Whats funny though is that i think my mom is a bit more excited than me about this whole coaching job. She is so happy for me which i think is great. But life as a coach is so much different than as a player. The things i took for grant it as a player from my coaches are now things and respect even that much more about them. We have our first scrimmage this upcoming Monday and then our first game on that following Wednesday. And whats cool about that is that i get to coach my j.v. team along with the varsity team because the varsity head coach will be out of town. So hopefully Coach James can pull out a victory in his first two big matches! If not though its all good. My main objective is to not just win but to help the guys to have fun and to learn the game of volleyball. Its more important to me for them to experience those two things than rather to just win. But I imagine as they start to pick up the things that i am teaching them that it might lead to some victories which will be neat. But only time will tell. All i know is that being a coach is a lot of long hours and a lot of soar shoulders, well at least for a volleyball coach. I have taken a swing more at a ball these past two weeks than i think i have my whole volleyball career! But its all good, hopefully it will help me to get back into shape. So look out Inland Empire, the Cowboy Kevin Donavan and Big Game James are taken over!

If you want to destroy my sweater....

So its Monday night and I'm spent. This past weekend I spent roughing it here at cbu going through isp training. I enjoyed the weekend but it was very tiring. But as i look back at it it makes me truly thankful to have the people that i do on my team along with my co-leader. Our team is very unique and different in our own ways but our heart for people is the same and our attitude to serve creates a special dynamic which warms my heart. And at times, even though i am one of their leaders i feel that some of them should be leading me. They each have so much to offer and so much to teach me which is neat. And the crazy part is that they probably don't even realize it. But all in all I'm excited to go to Utah this upcoming spring break with all of them. After this weekend my excitement to go to Utah has doubled. I'm excited to meet new people and I'm also excited to put myself out there and be bold for Christ. Its something that i have been learning a lot about lately. I should not be ashamed of the Gospel or afraid to share it but when it comes down to it I'm afraid to. I let the fact of how people react to me get in the way of actually verbally sharing the Gospel to those that i come in contact with who need to hear it. I'm afraid they wont think I'm cool or wont want to be my friend which is not a valid reason to not share the one thing that they need the most. So as i begin to examine my motives to not share the Gospel and realize that I'm in the wrong it makes me excited to just go and share it with the people of Utah. Some may reject me and some may not be happy with me but it doesn't matter. I'm commanded to share so that's what ill do and ill do my best to not let myself get in the way. I should never be ashamed of the Gospel and from now on i will make the conscious effort to never let it happen again. Cause i know my actions and my motives behind what i do and I'm tired of saying the right things, i want to start doing the right things and apply Truth to my actions!

Rocket Man....

So all of my friends that have blog sites like to post pictures so here is me attempting to be like them. This is a pic of me and one of my closest friends, Ronald Wayne McGee Jr. So heres to you Big Ron! May the memories from the big bang last forever along with the many sleepless nights at cbu while making prank phone calls along with playing tetris til the wee hours in the morning! Holla Back!